Blinded Thoughts

Have you ever made a rash decision, then taken it back? And then, in the light of both those decisions, changed your mind again? And then, in the midst of those consequences, have you ever come to realize that you're a pretty bad person? I have. I don't really want to explain it at all, really. I really hope no one reads this at all. Because I can't say what I want to. So don't ask.

My theme song as of late: I'm a Terrible Person, by Rooney.

A Brief Update

To those of you who have been seeking new blog insights from myself, here they are:

I love Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for everything.
School is practically over.
I love my work.
It's impossible to go even an hour without saying the word "what."
Still making mistakes.
Not really learning from them.
Wish I was.

There you go.

Simplicity, for Once

One day, when I am retired, old, graying, and crippled, I will update this blog frequently with the exciting things I do with my life, but as it happens, I am none of those, and much, much too busy to ever write about anything, let alone exciting things. And for this I am sad, because truly, who is too busy to write blogs? Me, I guess. I've been splitting my life six ways lately: Work, school, church, family, friends, and sleep. It's actually been working out pretty nicely except for one thing: There is no seventh way split for myself. Selfish? No, I just wish there was some way I could fit a little me time into this dangerously balanced, on-the-verge-of-pandemonium lifestyle.

Today I drove up the canyon. And I almost died in the process. I realized two things during this near death experience. One: That I hate snow. Snow and me, we're over. There are no second chances with something that tries to kill you. And Two: I love my car. Stella is sturdy and efficient. She kind of saved my life. She's kind of cool like that.

And really, apart from almost dying, moving to a new area at work, and a new month, nothing has changed for me. I've gotten a little better at routine, as long as my nights are varied, and the sunrises beautiful. And this is a life I can live with.

Denial?

Mom says what I want the most is what I can't have. She also says if I'm not with the boy I love, I love the boy I'm with. Yeah right. That's not true.

But.....what if it is?

Them

I'm a very rash person. I'm very rash, open, and not at all censored. So when I am all three of these things, bad things can happen sometimes. I wish sometimes I could outweigh the outcome of my actions before actually carrying them out. I didn't do that though, and I almost immediately regretted it. So much is at stake for me right now, and I just most of what I know on the line. I hate change, you know this. Change in general is an unnerving factor of life, because it usually comes when you least expect it. It was my fear of change that held me back, and now it's the fear of change that chains me to the reality I am so desperately clinging to. Why do I do dumb things? Oh, that's right. Because it's who I am.

But you have to understand, I don't mind being any of these things. Though the ramifications of my actions are sometimes destructive and just a little overwhelming, I love being who I am. And I love that other people don't seem to mind either. It makes life so much more comfortable for me. And that's what I am trying to remember as I struggle with these new consequences. I wouldn't want to be anybody else, right? Even though the friendships, opportunities, and hopes might be gone, I can't change who I am, and I wouldn't want to. Right? This I know for sure, and it's a comfort, even if it doesn't totally make the hurt go away.

Sometimes I wish I could just give my heart away as easily as I used to. But then again, that brought a lot more trouble than I could have ever asked for. Ah, living life through experience. I'm a very hands on kind of person. I learn through my mistakes, not others. Detrimental and somewhat obnoxious? Very much so. Worth it? Undoubtedly. That's why history is always repeating itself, isn't it? Were we actually there to learn from our ancestor's mistakes, I doubt the situation would ever reoccur again. But such is life. Shower, rinse, repeat.

I wish I could just say I'm sorry and make it enough. But I know that's just not how life works. Sorry isn't really what fixes problems. You have to earn back the life you changed. It's so much harder his way, but I don't think life ever really cared for the easy way out. But that's what builds character, right? That's what they say. "Who are they?" You know, the inimitable, collective them. One day, I'll be one of Them. Then I'll make the rules, say those things that when they are said, people will ask "Who are they?" And the respondent will raise his or her eyebrows and say, "You know. Them." I will be Them. And then, my life will be exactly what I make it, not just what it should be. Just wait. You'll see.

Discretion

So apparently I disclose way to much in my blogs. Time to be discreet!

Life is good. And sad. And busy. And happy. And at times overwhelming.

There's my life. Discreet and in a nut shell.

At Peace, With Every Piece

I was wrong to doubt.

Out of all the books of the Twilight Saga, this book, Breaking Dawn, by far exceeded anything I could have hoped for in my expectations of the ending. The perfect ending. Some might argue that it was too perfect. But not me. Stephenie Meyer created her masterpiece. She tied all the knots, she fixed the things she broke, and in the end, it was the happily ever after we'd all been wanting since Book One. Of course, that doesn't mean it came in the forms we thought it would.

I loved this book.

But then, my take on this book might be a little different than the average Twilight reader. Because secretly, and quite surprisingly, I found at the end of Eclipse that I had fallen in love with everyone's favorite Werewolf. Edward and Bella were a technicality; I knew they would be together in the end, because it's what everyone wanted, and Stephenie Meyer would have been a fool to starve them of that desire. But Jacob was my main priority; Seeing him satisfied was my only goal. And I got that, I got even more. It was like a puzzle I was hoping would be pieced together, and when it finally was, I found that not only were the pieces a perfect match, but that I loved the image they displayed. That was more than I could have hoped for. So bless Stephenie Meyer for granting me the wishes I didn't even consciously wish for.

But I did love Bella and Edward. I've always admired the way their love was portrayed. It's what started this story in the first place. The only difference is that it expanded, grew as it developed, until it wasn't just one story, it was several intertwined together to make what is Breaking Dawn. And I loved them all.

In the Long Run

The only reason I am online at all right now is because Andrew is at Batman again, and my other friends are conveniently not around. I wouldn't call it convenience. I think that of all the days I could have chosen to be alone, this would not have been my first choice. I tried doing productive things, I really did. First, I tried reading the book I just started (which is supposedly good for my health), and nearly fell asleep. So then I tried going somewhere, but as soon as I got in the car, I realized there was really no where to go. So I came back inside and sat for a while. Just sat, and contemplated, pondered, wondered about nothing in particular. And then I started to fall asleep again. So I got on here, looked at things that won't matter in ten years. I hate to think this is what I'm doing with my life. I hate doing something, and thinking to myself, "Will this matter in the long run?" Usually it doesn't, but then, that's the way with most of what is called the present.

I want what I'm doing now to be meaningful in one way or another. If it doesn't affect my future directly, then I want it to affect me. The sad thing about this is that I'm always doing pointless things. I came to this realization recently, and it made me cranky. So I've started reading again. I've started taking care of myself a little bit better. Because in ten years, I don't want to look back and wish I'd done something with my youth other than waste it. And that's where the change of heart comes in.

Life (And Its Cost)

I feel sick today. And I felt sick yesterday. And I've felt sick on and off for the last two weeks. I think my body is trying to tell me something. It's probably mutiny. But other than that, I feel fine. I'm finally done with going to work at 6:00 instead of 7:00. I'm getting better at the process I was already good at. I'm learning new things. I love this part of life.

I've been so busy with work lately, and when it's not work, it's either friends or family, or sleep. This is by no means a bad or tiresome pattern, but sometimes I just wish there were more hours in the day. I miss having energy and time to do all the things I loved to do. I miss reading books, and writing. I miss lying down on the lawn without falling asleep. I miss staying up late. I know I'm incredibly blessed to have the job I do, but it came with a very heavy price. I don't blame it though. I think the day when my life changed would have come with or without my current occupation, so I can only be grateful that it came in the form that it did.

These days I try harder to love my life, rather than be the critic. When I look back on these days, I'll probably miss them, just like I miss every moment in my life. I think I'm glad of that. It makes change harder, but that's a small price to pay. I hope everyone realizes sooner than later that its easier to love their life than loathe it. When making a list of pros and cons, unless you're a homeless man living in Alaska living off refried beans and fish heads, I'm sure you'll find that the good outweigh the bad. Or if you live in Nottingham. Apparently that's not so great either.

Re-Vamped

Let me paint you a picture.



Now, I'm all for being flexible with my imagination when it comes to new ideas. I'm always willing to make room for a little perspective. But this is grotesque. What true fan, what sane person, would accept this as Twilight? Ask anyone who knows and loves these books. We know these characters, we aren't just acquaintances with this romance.

This wasn't just Stephenie Meyer's story. She made it all of ours when she had it published, and she should not have been the deciding factor about this movie. I think we should have had a vote, or a riot, or something. This book is now just as much ours as hers. I'm not necessarily mad at her. I'm just disappointed in the turn things have taken.

Ah, Hollywood, have you no shame?

Trains, Planes, and Third Degree Burns

I'm a going places person. Be it car, plane, boat, or yes, even a motorcycle, I can't resist the thrill of the ride. Cars are somewhat trivial. I don't know how I feel about extensive drives to far away places, but I do enjoy long drives up canyons, or out to no where in particular. Otherwise, I have no preference. Each freedom of choice brings different sites, and all the same enjoyment.

Last Monday, my friend Russell took me on a motorcycle ride. Having only ridden two other motorcycles in my life, both with grandparents, I was excited! And I was right to be, it was amazing! Driving in a car is nice, but on a motorcycle, the world is open to you! It's like the difference between flying in a plane, and hang-gliding. There's just a difference. I loved it. Granted, I did burn my leg on the exhaust pipe, which turned into a third degree burn, which is now ailing me terribly, but there are worse things. There are always worse things.

An Incurable Sadness

I don't know how I feel about myself right now. I've never been truly discontented with who I am, especially these days where I've grown so much. But I still make mistakes, and just recently, even in all my grown upedness, I made a big one. It's because I was afraid to tell the truth, when I knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. Then, without warning, the truth presented itself before I was ready to tell itself, and I found myself in a tight spot. Now I'm at odds with my Best Friend, and at odds with myself. I've never thought of myself, but sometimes, I'm just dumb.

So, you should know, now that it's out, that I'm not going back to Utah State. You can't understand, not even if I could explain, how devastated I am by this. I love Logan, I love everything about it. The people, the school, the freedom. But I had to make a decision, something that would be good for my future, not just for me. That wasn't Utah State.

Growing up is hard. It's more than just getting taller and learning how to make a life in the big, strange world. It's letting go of comforts, and fears disguised as comforts, and things you wanted to stay the same forever. I wanted to stay in my ignorantly blissful state forever, and for once in my life, I made a decision that ripped me from that state and pushed me into something vastly different than what I was used to. I think I'll get used to it, but right now, I'm sad. Sad all the time, because I know I may never be going back.

Hope, and other tragic Human Emotions

Someone dear to me recently mentioned the curse of hoping against hope. It's that faint twinge of fantasy that strikes when the situation is seemingly impossible. At times, it seems that I can hope so much that the thing I've wished for so hard comes true, and all is well. However, that is not always the case.

Sometimes I hope against all hope, and it's in vain. These are the most painful situations, to hope for the impossible, and coming to find that it really is impossible. I've been experiencing this bitter rejection recently, in a friendship of mine. Or, the lack thereof. I'm really not sure what it is actually, but it's not what I hoped it would be. I'm usually so in control of my relationships with other people, and what I'm like, but in this case, I feel......powerless.
I've never felt so inferior as I do around this person, and I hate it. Why should I be afraid? I don't have any answers for myself. When it comes to people and behaviors, I'm usually very good and speaking my mind. This is not the case. Funny how people change us sometimes, even when we think are so stable in who we are. Flimsy, flexible Abby.

Mindless Babble

Whew! It's been quite the week and then some. Today at the Vault we had five employee's try and pull one thousand rolls, with the help and support of the staff. I was on the extra machine with Emily and Pia, and we did 239. Not bad, I'd say. In the end, they made their goal, but I don't think I've ever seen a less chatty bunch than I did today. We were all exhausted! Remind me never to exert myself like that again.
It's funny how much you can come to understand a person over time. Feelings change, as does perspective, and as you grow to understand the person more and more, you come to find a profound respect for them. Okay, maybe not all the time, but that's how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could see how other people see me, if not just to understand myself better.

Saturday was a great day. I went shopping with Julia and Ben (bought new Aviators which I now can't find....grr....and new flip flops!), then Ben, Curtis, Mykin and I went swimming. It was delightful! I miss swimming. Scratch that, I miss being outside altogether. What with working in a mountain and all, we don't see sunlight all that often. But that's okay. After swimming, Mykin and I, along with a few other friends, went to Jessica Wood's house and watched Return to Me and got pedicures. It was my first time, and at first I was a little reluctant, but I think I'll make a habit out of it. My feet have never felt so good before! Needless to say, it was one perfect day. One out of the many to come.

My brain is tired and my body is tired, and so I am tired. And my dumb computer won't let my load pictures onto Blogger, and so you're all deprived of visual agents. I apologize. I just wanted to leave a quick note saying life is good, I am happy, and I think I am on my way to something good.

Incredulity and the Like

Okay, why is it so hard to believe I'm not dating anyone right now?! I went to a wedding reception for my friend Alisa today, and the most often question asked was "How's the love life?" Asked many different times, in many different ways. I gave them all the same response. I wasn't seeing anybody. And every single one of those darned inquirers gave me looks of incredulity and then replied, "I don't believe you."

Now, this is an increasingly recurring theme in my life right now. I didn't go to Idaho with my family a few weeks ago, and three of my siblings asked, "For who?!" Honestly people, is it really that hard to believe?!?! I guess I deserve it, in one sick way or another. I've dated a lot, and so people have some right to assume I'm always seeing someone. Well I gotta news flash for ya folks. I'm not. I'm not seeing anyone, and I'm not sorry. I like where I am right now, I like having me and myself for company, and I guess that in a way, I'm a little glad people are so surprised. That's right, you didn't think it could happen, but it did, so now what? That's what I thought. Okay, I'm sorry.

The truth is, I needed this. People will talk to me sometimes about how they wish they could get a girl/boyfriend, or how they wished this specific person would take interest, and I never could understand why it was they needed someone so badly. I always tell those people that I don't need anyone to lean on like that, that I wouldn't be bothered if I had no one. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't lying when I said that, and it turns out (to my relief), I'm not. My life is good. How is yours?

Selfish

I'm feeling irrational today. That's not a good thing, because when I'm irrational, there's no way of getting through to me. I don't like this about myself, but I'm feeling quite bitter about a few things, and it's fogging my senses. Meanwhile, I'm trying to cool off.

Last night, I went and saw Kung Fu Panda. And it is, as of now, one of the greatest animated shows I have ever seen. Pixar is cute, and Madagascar was funny, but this movie, it has it. It has it all. The humor, the characters...the animation. Half of the reason why it's so cool is watching the animals bounce around the screen with each other. Needless to say, it is something everyone should see.

I wish I weren't in such a bad mood. I'm just tired of a lot of things. Like my family thinking it's okay to use my things as they please. I know it comes with the territory of having a family, but I liked living somewhere where the only thing I had to worry about was roommates eating my food. On top of that, I'm struggling with a few friendships right now that I'm not sure how to go about. Today I need some air. Who knew it would be so cold in June?!

I hate watching people get hurt, my friends in particular. I have a friend right now who likes this girl, and for a long time, she gave him a vibe that she was interested. Now she refuses to talk to him. My friend is devastated, but he's still holding on to this small thread of hope that he can fix things. No matter what I say, he believes he can fix it. I wish he could see what he was doing to himself, but it's very hard to see our flaws when we are living so close to ourselves. On top of his pain, I'm furious that anyone could lead him on so fully without any regard (or awareness) of what they were doing. We're all human, we all have feelings, we're all vulnerable. Those people that disregard all these things are the people I would like to push in front of a train. I'm more than willing to help pick up pieces of hurt friends, but I hate it when it shouldn't have happened. Shame on us all, for our selfish desires.

Bitter Satisfaction

Am I apathetic? Or am I just looking for something to be passionate about? I don't know. I feel like I've become passive about life, and that I'm getting used to it.

I went on a date once, and my date asked me what my greatest fear was. I said it was being completely alone (which I know I never will be, thankfully, but it's an awful thought all the same). When I asked him the same question, he said, "To be satisfied with life." I admire that answer. I admire his awareness of how easily we can slip into mediocrity if we're not careful. So many people settle for a simple personality, even if complexity is desired. This is how I feel, and it scares me. I don't want to be satisfied with who I am at the present, because there really isn't much to me right now. Sometimes I worry so much about my future, I forget that I'm living in the present. Odd how that works.

Today was a busy day. Pia (our Team Leader) said we weren't working hard enough, and that we could do better. I was exempt of course, because I was new, and had completed forty-two rolls the day before (I don't think anybody expected me to catch on so quick. Should I be offended?). Anyway, we all put on our game faces and worked hard all morning. By break at 9:30, I had twenty-six rolls, and by lunch, I had doubled that. It was at the very end of the day that I lost my rhythm, and only managed to complete four more before quit time. That gave me a count of sixty for the day, which is, to say the least, very impressive for someone who hasn't even worked there a week. Everyone says they're really proud of me. I like this new family I've found, they're support seems limitless. Sixty rolls today. Tomorrow, I'll go for eighty.

More good news: We had our first longer-than-one-minute conversation! It was momentous. I'm pretty sure this isn't unrequited love I'm feeling, but I won't get cocky. For all I know, he's just a really nice guy (or a huge flirt), who treats everyone the same. But there are little things that don't escape my attention, like when he says I should sit by him, or when he waits for me at the end of the day. But this is all merely theoretical. I have no proof. None at all. Meanwhile, he is still pretty.

I'm trying to find a rhythm for my life, and I think I'm finally on my way.

Gather round, kids!

You know, it takes a lot to make me feel awkward. I'm a naturally easy going person, and so when confronted with situations or people, I handle them well, and I pride myself in it. Dave even said today that he was very impressed with how I handled situations where I might otherwise act selfishly. Then why in the world does he make me feel so awkward? "He" is my co-worker, and I do dumb things around him, like not say anything, or try and communicate with hand signals (I was trying to back out, and I didn't know if I had enough space!). I like him, and he's really nice, but I can't help but feel self conscious around him.
Today we were walking back from lunch (the first time we've ever walked together, mind you), and he asked me what I like to do, and I said, "I don't know." And in my head, I was thinking, "You don't know?! Abby, you are such a yutz." Later he came back and I told him I liked music, which is a small recovery, but that's not the point. The point it this kid makes me feel inferior, and I don't know why! Bah. Life is complex when you're brainless.

So, I work in a mountain, and it pretty much rocks. Literally. Today I walked out, and everything was covered in mist. Little Cottonwood is by far my favorite canyon, and here I get to work in it! Nothing beats this job I tell you, nothing. I'm finally taking time to adjust to the silly Mac my parents bought, and am currently loading all Switchfoot material onto iTunes, to which I am also adjusting.

Nothing truly important is on my mind today. Everyone is busy doing things, so here I am, by my lonesome, listening to music and reflecting on my future. I'm not really sure what to do with it just yet, and my options are varied, so I'm letting them meander around my mind while I consider them. Making a decision right now isn't important. I love life.

Paradoxes, Oxymorons, and Catch 22's

"It's enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."
-Huckleberry Finn

I am sometimes amazed at people's lack of respect. Amazed and bewildered. It makes me so sad to see someone pass judgment on another whom he may hardly know. Well, sometimes it makes me sad. Mostly it makes me angry. I know I've had my share of opinions when it comes to other people, but I only hope that at the end of the day, my friends know that I am there to live up to our friendship, and not betray their trust with spiteful words. That's all I really want.

I have friends. People I trust, and who love me. They're the kind of people I wish I'd met earlier in life so that I could have better followed their examples. They're all on missions, or at college now, but they were those friends that made me want to be better. I hope that everyone in the world has at least one person like that. I was blessed enough to get a whole bunch of them.

Tonight I witnessed one of my dear friends mocked in his absence, by people he hardly knows. How does that make a person feel? I have encountered many worst versions of myself in many different scenarios, but I hope I never find that worst version where I feel justified in saying something unkind about anyone else, be it a friend or acquaintance. Every one of us deserves so much better. Huck was right. Human beings can be so cruel to each other.

Magic Deer, Bambi, and the Kind That Hit You

Once, when I was in Canada, I wrote a poem. It was about a deer. It goes like this.

Dead deer, Dead deer,
You're dead I fear.

I portrayed my feelings so poignantly, I didn't feel much need to expand. Today, I think I better understand the meaning of that eloquently written poem. Today, I got hit by a deer.

I mean, it's not the greatest thing to happen right before an interview, but what's getting hit by a deer if not inconvenient? You won't find anyone waking up in the morning thinking, "Today will be the day! That deer will finally hit me." Maybe if it were a magic deer. But I've digressed. Here's what happened:

I'd been driving up Little Cottonwood Canyon on the way to my second interview at the Church History Vault. I was feeling pretty good, just prepping myself by singing along to Jack's Mannequin and looking at the road, which is why I probably didn't see it coming. The deer came at me from the side, and before I knew what was really happening, it was swerving right into the side of my car. It all happened so fast, I didn't even have time to react. I pulled off the road (while the car behind me drove on, perfectly aware of what had just happened), and looked at the deer, who was lying motionless on the side of the road. I then moved around the other side of my car to see the damage. The right side was streaked with fur and blood, and the whole back door was dented in, along with the side mirror, and just above the tire.
Well, I called my Mom and started to cry as I turned my car around until I was just across the street from the deer. A nice man pulled over too, to see if I was okay, and we watched the deer for a little bit until it sat up and stumbled back into the brush. This would be the end of my story, except for Stella (my car) decided to take a crack at me by acting like she was in neutral when she was really in drive. I turned the car on and off a couple times before she finally came to, and I finished the last stretch up to the Vault. The interview went well, and I ended up getting the job, but the moment was outshone by the already eventful morning.

Stella's in the shop now, and, apart from her bashed in side, is apparently running fine. Poor car, she's seen some days. But she'll live to see better days. I'm not sure if I can say the same for the deer. Maybe she'll look both ways the next time she tries to cross the street. Needless to say, I won't be there next time she does.

A Countdown

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1. We'll make it through this together, like we always do. Things will be okay. You're my best friend.

2. I can't believe how things turned around so quickly. I have you to thank for it of course, you finally took a stand, and I can't tell you how glad I am that you did.

3. I'm glad you miss me as much as I miss you. I'd feel pretty dumb if it were a one sided thing. Thanks for being that roommate!

4. I wish I knew where you were and what you were thinking. It's driving me crazy wondering if I'm just imagining what we had, or if it was real.

5. You're my hero. People don't really think of you as a hero, but that's what you are to me.

6. I know it seems like all the answers are right there, but I've been there before, and life gets more complicated as you get older. Pace yourself, don't do anything rash.

7. Thanks for being there through thick and thin. I hope you're having fun where you are, and even though we're going different directions, that you never forget me.

8. I know you're bitter about everything that's happened, but I think it's time to let go. Don't let your anger control your life.

9. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, that you're truly happy, and not just trying to fool yourself.

10. It's because of your friendship that I wish I never had to grow up. I'm glad that when I look back, I'll have memories of good times. You made growing up not so hard.

NINE things about yourself:
1. I hate change.
2. Nature is what calms me the most.
3. I think way too much of myself.
4. I love helping people.
5. I'm ambitious, but sometimes I lose sight of my goals.
6. I hate protocol, and I hate conformity.
7. Despite what people may think, I love my family more than anything else in this world.
8. Try and push me around, and I'll bite your head off.
9. I like staring at myself in the mirror and cleaning when I talk on the phone to people.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Be honest with me.
2. Have an opinion of your own, but don't be headstrong about it.
3. Smile.
4. Freckles.
5. Show me how much you love me.
6. Be confident in yourself, know where you stand.
7. Be ambitious. Love life.
8. Respect those around you. Respect me. Respect yourself.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. What am I going to do with my life?
2. How do other people see me?
3. I could never be friends with myself.
4. I'm hungry.
5. Am I where I'm supposed to be?
6. Why isn't Jess writing?
7. I need to take care of myself.


SIX things you wish you never did:
1. Quit dance.
2. Quit soccer.
3. Sluff school so much.
4. Concert choir.
5. Lost my Aviators in California.
6. Cared about what other people thought.


FIVE turn offs:
1. Ego.
2. Rudeness.
3. Lazy.
4. Too nice.
5. Too opinionated.


FOUR turn ons:
1. Humor.
2. Freckles.
3. Confidence.
4. Kindness.


THREE smileys that describe your life:
1. :D
2. 8)
3. :O

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. See the Northern Lights.
2. Do something, anything, to make this world a better place.

ONE confession:
1. I used to sleep with a box.

A Change in Seasons

You know, I never remember how much I've missed Spring until it's here again. It brings so much nostalgia with it though that sometimes it's hard to breathe for want of space. This time of the year always seems to be the most eventful for me. People leave, new ones come (or in this year's case, old ones come back), and here am I, always the same, at least to myself. Everything is green again! I made a trip to our park today, where nobody ever goes, and sat by myself a while and reflected on life. Apparently I was in less than a reflective mood, because I fell asleep. That's okay too though, life is well paced, and I don't feel much need to think too hard about anything right now, because life is in place, and that's all that really matters right now. The future comes later, I won't worry.

I always feel like life is changing and moving around me while I'm standing still. I never seem to be doing much, but maybe to the world, I'm just a whirlwind of change. It's hard to tell, seeing as I'm not the world. Whoever thought I would get so old? I know I never did. I'm sure growing up wouldn't be nearly as climactic if it didn't sneak up on us the way it does. I mean, we use up our youth until one day we look and voila! we are older, and that's that. This is what I've been fighting with. I know those of you reading this are thinking, "Please, Abby. You are no where near grown up yet." I know I'm not, but I'm not far away either, and that's the scary thought. An even scarier thought is that I won't be ready for it. It's a very human fear, but then, that's what I am.

The Truth

I'm angry.

I'm angry because I feel blamed for something that shouldn't be my fault.
I'm mad because I shouldn't have to take this kind of burden without any way of defending myself.
I'm hurt because it doesn't seem like she once even thought about what I've been going through.
I'm miserable because I miss her.

We were never terribly good at expressing our feelings to each other, but we were honest, and we were loyal to each other. This never changed for me, I don't know why things fell apart the way they did. I used to just assume that that's what friendships did overtime: Friends would change, grow up, find that they're different after all and go their separate ways. I thought that before I realized what a great friendship I had, and how I never wanted it to change ever. It was inevitable that every other friendship might hit the void eventually, but this one seemed more than that. You know what the saddest part about this whole thing is? I still believe that. Maybe that's why it still hurts this much. Well. That and being the scapegoat. Like that's fair.

When did we change? Was there something I missed? I have so many questions that will probably never be answered. And it's like she doesn't even care, so I'm embarrassed that I'm the one who's dwelling. I'm not really sorry though. I've been angry, hurt, confused, and more than anything frustrated, but I'll always care about her, no matter what. Yep. That's where the bitterness is coming from. So at least now you know, even if she never will.

A Pea in a Pod

You know, I'm really at a loss for words right now. I have plenty to say, but I think there's so much thought cramped into my tiny brain, that it's having problems formulating the words into comprehendable thoughts. I feel like someone took a potato masher and just mashed them all into one. That's just what happens when you don't have a filing cabinet for your head.

I'll miss where I am. I love Merrill, and I love my ward. I hate goodbyes.

Flashbacks and Feelings

A flashback, if you will:

Remember in the Third Season of The Office when Jim started dating Karen, and everyone knew he still loved Pam? I remember. I felt awful during those episodes where Jim and Pam ignored each other and Jim pretended to enjoy dating Karen. It was frustrating, and heart breaking! Anyway, after that season, I thought I would never feel as rotten again. I spoke too soon.

Lorelai married Chris. She’s not just dating him, she married him! She just dropped Luke like it didn’t even matter. Now I don’t know who to be mad at. Season seven is the pits. I’m sad. Yes, pathetic, but sad. Why is everyone so okay with this? What happens to Luke? What about those of us who like the Luke Danes’ of the world, those not necessarily perfect, but pull-through kind of guys? I don’t know. Megan said I have a Luke Danes. He’s not a grouchy, but sure, he’s a Luke Danes. I like that.

This was all I had to say. This show has become so apart of my life, I’ve started dreaming Gilmore Girls, and when I’m not having dreams about it, I’m thinking about it. Just one more day. One more day, the show will be over, and I’ll have my life back. I wonder what the sun looks like. Just kidding. Back to the show.

When it Rains.......

For the record, I should not be writing right now. I should be concentrating on writing a talk about setting goals and why it's important to follow through with them. I can't. I'm not good at speaking to the masses, I wasn't made for that sort of thing. The Bishopric took the liberty of ripping me from my comfort bubble! I have yet to find my happy place this week, as you can see.

On top of this, I have two exams on Thursday which I am unprepared for, and a Math exam the next week. And homework, don't forget homework. To top off this load of monstrosity, our RA scheduled Apartment Inspections for tomorrow. Needless to say, I haven't felt this stressed in almost a year.

Were I not so busy, I might almost miss this overwhelming feeling of having too little time and too much to do. Too often, my afternoons are spent dawdling, or watching TV. I've become a real junkie. Megan and I have moved on from Psych, to Angel, to Gilmore Girls. And in this time, I probably could have studied for Marriage and Family, or completed that extra homework assignment for math.

This is probably the most uninformative (Or at least most uninteresting) blog I have ever written. I like writing about things I like writing about, not stress induced weeks that make me feel as though any moment my head will take the liberty of spontaneously combusting. This blog is just a blog to vent out all the pent up, misunderstood frustrations that can't be compromised, and can't be subdued. C'est la vie? Really?