Bitter Satisfaction

Am I apathetic? Or am I just looking for something to be passionate about? I don't know. I feel like I've become passive about life, and that I'm getting used to it.

I went on a date once, and my date asked me what my greatest fear was. I said it was being completely alone (which I know I never will be, thankfully, but it's an awful thought all the same). When I asked him the same question, he said, "To be satisfied with life." I admire that answer. I admire his awareness of how easily we can slip into mediocrity if we're not careful. So many people settle for a simple personality, even if complexity is desired. This is how I feel, and it scares me. I don't want to be satisfied with who I am at the present, because there really isn't much to me right now. Sometimes I worry so much about my future, I forget that I'm living in the present. Odd how that works.

Today was a busy day. Pia (our Team Leader) said we weren't working hard enough, and that we could do better. I was exempt of course, because I was new, and had completed forty-two rolls the day before (I don't think anybody expected me to catch on so quick. Should I be offended?). Anyway, we all put on our game faces and worked hard all morning. By break at 9:30, I had twenty-six rolls, and by lunch, I had doubled that. It was at the very end of the day that I lost my rhythm, and only managed to complete four more before quit time. That gave me a count of sixty for the day, which is, to say the least, very impressive for someone who hasn't even worked there a week. Everyone says they're really proud of me. I like this new family I've found, they're support seems limitless. Sixty rolls today. Tomorrow, I'll go for eighty.

More good news: We had our first longer-than-one-minute conversation! It was momentous. I'm pretty sure this isn't unrequited love I'm feeling, but I won't get cocky. For all I know, he's just a really nice guy (or a huge flirt), who treats everyone the same. But there are little things that don't escape my attention, like when he says I should sit by him, or when he waits for me at the end of the day. But this is all merely theoretical. I have no proof. None at all. Meanwhile, he is still pretty.

I'm trying to find a rhythm for my life, and I think I'm finally on my way.