A Change in the Weather

I hate 7:30 class. Not necessarily the class, although Math never was my forte, but the timing of it all is just so....inconvenient. Once next week is over, I'll be free from the chains of early rising and yawning for the rest of the day (which begins to hurt one's jaw). There is, however, one thing I've always enjoyed from getting up before most other students, and that is walking to class. You wouldn't believe some of the things I've seen in the dawn of morning that took my breath away. It's like a small present saying, "I know it's hard, but thanks for doing it anyway." The weather never disappoints me, despite the cold temperatures. I've encountered sunrises that give me purple mountains and golden clouds, I've seen a full moon setting over a beautiful horizon, walked through a soft snow in the growing light with no one around but myself. Today I left my apartment and found that I could see nothing twenty feet ahead of me, because of a fog that had settled over the valley. Sometimes I can't help but laugh in awe at some of the things I see.

I took my time as I walked through the mist, admiring it at every angle, and taking it all in, even as my ears started to hurt from the cold. Logan is a beautiful place, I've never been anywhere like it that has such a variety of conditions. So, despite the earliness, the math, and the relentless cold, I'm almost sad to see it go. It always was such a wonderful way of starting a day. Even if I do get an extra hour of sleep, I'll miss the calm of it all. No one ever seems to appreciate the small moments of beauty they see, but the nice thing about it is that they're there all the same, for those who don't care, and for those of us who do.

Regarding Kissing

You know, I used to hate myself because of my past. I felt like I had kissed a lot of people, and that this was unusual. Lately, however, I have found that the world is addicted to kissing. No, not the world, people I know. It's different. Kissing boyfriends, girlfriends, random people, on dares, on stage, the list goes on and on in a whirl of repetition. Everyone loves to kiss. I loved to kiss. You'll never hear me deny it, I thought kissing was fun. And then I kissed this one person, and only him for an extended period of time (Don't be gross. I only mean we dated for a long time), and now that he is gone, I find myself repulsed by the thought of kissing anyone else. It's a shame that I can't give my heart away to anyone else, seeing as it is thousands of miles away. It hurts a little, but that's something I've adjusted to.

Why is it that kissing someone once is alright now? I thought kisses were supposed to be special, something you gave to only someone you cared about. It seems that even the slightest crush these days permits one to kiss. But.....shouldn't kissing be something....special? I'm sad that there are so many who take it so lightly. Did it happen overnight, or have I just become less oblivious. Hmmm. Sometimes the world changes. Sometimes I do.

Life, Death, and an Opportunity

I feel not so well today, but only physically. For some reason, my mood is much better when I'm sick. I have no complaints, my mood can be whatever it wants to, I’m flexible. I was going to post a blog sooner than now, but opportunity didn’t provide, so I have a lot to make up for and very little patience to do it.

Margot has moved out of our apartment. It’s a little sad, knowing how good friends we used to be, and how easily things could have been fixed, had compliancy been more apart of our human nature. Still, I think things will be much better now that she’s gone. River, my beautiful black rabbit, died this week. I miss her, and regret more than anything that I didn’t go out and visit her on Tuesday like I was planning. Still, death and life sometimes go hand in hand. Ariel is pregnant, and I’m going to be an Aunt, finally! I’m so excited, and a little jealous too. Oh, I’m not even implying that I’m anywhere near ready to have a baby, but she looks so happy all the time. Now I know what they mean when they talk about the glow that pregnant mothers have, it’s an ageless beauty. Ariel is already beautiful, so it only adds to an already spectacular display of kindness and radiance.

I met with TRU Talent Agency upon their request, and they expressed interest in working with me. It was flattering, and I won’t deny that I’m more than just a little tempted to take up the offer, but it would mean making a lot of changes that I don’t know I’m brave enough to make. Shallow as it sounds, it was a dream come true to hear that someone thought I was pretty enough for magazines and movies. But that’s where it ends, because I know it’s a shallow thought, and it would be a hollow life, were it to come true. I thought about it long and hard, about what I wanted, and what I was doing with my life. Well, I’m not doing anything, and now would be the perfect opportunity to make this leap, but what happens after that? See, I’ve got this brain, and I want to use it for something. Pretty sure it takes no brain to be a model, just skill and technique. I feel like it would be defeating the purpose of my being here. Ah, the triviality of trivial things.

Mold.

So. I think I may major in Psychology, just to better understand my living conditions. That's right, folks. There's been another episode of "War of the Roommates." I take that back, it's not really a War if only one side is fighting, right?

Generally, I'm a nice person, unless you target me directly with a nasty comment, and then I'm likely to get very nasty back. A defense mechanism, if you will. I'm somewhat fond of myself, and don't like it when people are unkind. This doesn't concern only me though, this is about everyone. I'm looking at these personalities that just can't seem to help but criticize, condemn, and blame others. It's nerve wracking, frustrating, that people are so inconsiderate that they wouldn't think about what they're saying. Who likes being talked about?

It was the most beautiful day today! I regret not spending more of it outside. Days seem to fly by now, I hardly have any time to do all that needs doing. This doesn't bother me terribly. This semester is old and moldy now, and I think I'm ready for a new one.

Stale

Well, it's been an interesting week. Good, bad, hard, tiring, funny, relentless. Definitely relentless. It was like taking a very wary stroll down Memory Lane. Because Memory Lane isn't always filled with those childhood games and first kisses and sunsets. Sometimes it's filled with indecision, hurt friends, and regrets. Lots of regrets. I don't think Memory Lane necessarily entails strolling. I think sometimes it entails running.....or hiding. The past is unpleasant sometimes.

But many times it's not.

I am wearing a hat today. Not because my hair is particularly unattractive, but more just because maybe that will keep all these thoughts from bursting through the layer of self called my head. Last night the air felt so stale in my apartment that I had to run for my life to the balcony so I could breathe again. I just felt burdened, that's all. Not enough of my life has anything to do with me right now, and that's not a bad thing, I suppose. It's just that so many people needed my attention last night, it was wearing. I'm better now, still tired emotionally and physically for exerting myself in the way I have been in the last week, but I think it will get better from here on out. And, in the words of a wise, blue fish, "Keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

Observations of the Third Time

You know, after the third time watching Signs, Jess and I got into a conversation about the meaning of the Title, and all the signs found within the movie. I was fascinated. Who knew that the Mom was really receiving revelation when she told Mel Gibson, "Tell Merrill to swing away?" And that the Title, "Signs" is actually referring to the small proofs that God exists. Well, I came home all in a flurry, only to find that my Dad had known all these things since he saw it the first time. Right, so we don't all think deep. So it took me three times. Obviously, intelligence is not genetic.

Today I gave blood for our ward. X was in charge of the whole thing, so I took the list of people up for her at 2:00, came back at 4:00 and donated (me in a bag!), then again at 7:00 for X, Steph, and Bryan's moral support system. I made friends with the whole staff, stood around telling jokes to those who were pinned to chairs by the little needles in their arms, and made many new friends. Also, the cute doctor behind the table flirted lots with me, and even called me by name a few times, even though a formal introduction had never been made. Talk about a day! Unfortunately, the last thing he asked was how late KFC was open, and not for my number. Needless to say, I was disappointed. It was a very happy environment, and I enjoyed making people laugh and holding their hands as they were stuck with those unnecessarily big needles. Once, as I was holding X's hand (who's grip was unbelievably firm), I shouted, "Oh my gosh!" as she was looking away. She almost fainted. Personally, it was my favorite part of the day.

I hope I get more chances to do service. I'm so excited about my calling in the ward (Compassionate Service Committee). I want to help, in any way I can, in whatever way I can. I'm not so into the whole cleaning up a person's yard, but anything I can do to help them more personally, and I'm all over it. Funny how that works.

A Slight Detour From My Day

I should take a nap, it's one of those weary days where I'm tired, even though I had enough sleep. Despite the constant drowsy feeling, however, I have been able to work with my day and keep (for the most part) from schlumping about. Of course, I gave in a little. I mean, who wouldn't be willing to watch Angel and his hot bod self kick some major Vampire haul? It was delicious. I've read for most of the day, for my Literature class, which I mostly despise, except for the friends I've made in that class. I enjoy the teacher a lot, I just get the feeling I've gone back to Eighth Grade English. More thoughts on this later.

I'm wondering what I should do with my life. I love writing, I love photography, I love the piano, I love talking with people (and, incidentally, am talented in all areas above mentioned). There are more, of course, but I've had to narrow my options of interest, for fear of my head spontaneously combusting. If only someone would tell me what I was supposed to do, so I wouldn't have to make this decision. But of course, how easy would this life be if I was told what I would do? Kind of defeats the general purpose, if you know what I mean. Meh, I'll get there someday. In the meantime, it's time I ate a little, and then read some more. What I wouldn't give to be able to pick up a Pullman or Meyer to relax. Carson McCullers reminds me of John Steinbeck in the most wannabe sense. We already have The Grapes of Wrath, Lady, there's no need to make an attempt of it again. Honestly.

Butterfly

This week wasn't the easiest for me. Sunday rolled around, and I was glad to come back to my small apartment with the five girls I share it with, but it was a bad beginning. Who knew the dishes were such an important factor of cleanliness?! Who knew it was worth writing hate messages on the mirror? I feel like we were wrongly accused, seeing as at the time, I was feeling irritated myself because of Margot's Midnight Vacuum Sprees, and Rachel's constant high pitched voice resounding through the apartment. Needless to say, it got old. So when they began to boss the other roommates and myself, I was already a little weather worn, and in no mood to be moreso. It was nice to be home for the weekend.

Wheels' Farewell made my Top Ten. It brought back the familiar feeling that the Farewell's often had, back in the day, when there were more than just ten of us. But instead of making me reminisce, it cheered me greatly. Seeing the Evans last night had a similar effect.

I'm caught between two places. I can only stand to be at home for a short while, and yet it's the same with Utah State. Both provide "considerable trouble, and considerably joy." My mom always called me a butterfly. Never in one place for too long.