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Saturday, September 13, 2008


I'm a very rash person. I'm very rash, open, and not at all censored. So when I am all three of these things, bad things can happen sometimes. I wish sometimes I could outweigh the outcome of my actions before actually carrying them out. I didn't do that though, and I almost immediately regretted it. So much is at stake for me right now, and I just most of what I know on the line. I hate change, you know this. Change in general is an unnerving factor of life, because it usually comes when you least expect it. It was my fear of change that held me back, and now it's the fear of change that chains me to the reality I am so desperately clinging to. Why do I do dumb things? Oh, that's right. Because it's who I am.

But you have to understand, I don't mind being any of these things. Though the ramifications of my actions are sometimes destructive and just a little overwhelming, I love being who I am. And I love that other people don't seem to mind either. It makes life so much more comfortable for me. And that's what I am trying to remember as I struggle with these new consequences. I wouldn't want to be anybody else, right? Even though the friendships, opportunities, and hopes might be gone, I can't change who I am, and I wouldn't want to. Right? This I know for sure, and it's a comfort, even if it doesn't totally make the hurt go away.

Sometimes I wish I could just give my heart away as easily as I used to. But then again, that brought a lot more trouble than I could have ever asked for. Ah, living life through experience. I'm a very hands on kind of person. I learn through my mistakes, not others. Detrimental and somewhat obnoxious? Very much so. Worth it? Undoubtedly. That's why history is always repeating itself, isn't it? Were we actually there to learn from our ancestor's mistakes, I doubt the situation would ever reoccur again. But such is life. Shower, rinse, repeat.

I wish I could just say I'm sorry and make it enough. But I know that's just not how life works. Sorry isn't really what fixes problems. You have to earn back the life you changed. It's so much harder his way, but I don't think life ever really cared for the easy way out. But that's what builds character, right? That's what they say. "Who are they?" You know, the inimitable, collective them. One day, I'll be one of Them. Then I'll make the rules, say those things that when they are said, people will ask "Who are they?" And the respondent will raise his or her eyebrows and say, "You know. Them." I will be Them. And then, my life will be exactly what I make it, not just what it should be. Just wait. You'll see.