My Music

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Change of Scenery and Mindset

What a fantastic week it's been. I feel as though I am a goldfish, swimming in the same murky goldfish bowl water that I've been swimming in for some time now. Picture, if you will, the scene from Finding Nemo after the fish sabotaged the filter. That is what my goldfish bowl looks like. I said murky right? I would also say disgusting, dirty, unattended. I think the lack of care would be my fault, but I can only blame myself so much. The other thing is: My bowl is just too small. I suppose that for another fish, a contented fish, it may be a nice, homy place to live. Not this fish.

I went to Lake Powell this week, and as I sat there, at the tip of the boat, I realized that wide open spaces is what frees a person from not only routine and mediocrity, but from their own restrictions as well. I felt as though the fog from my mind was lifted, a fog I didn't know existed until I saw those red canyon walls and felt the rush of hot wind on my face. Nature's wake up call is the most stirring, I think. If all the force of beauty and element Powell had to offer me didn't wake me up, the night sky did. I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night and gazing into the brilliant infinity of the universe. Forever is a scary thing to face when we ourselves are so temporary. But with something so breathtaking as the Milky Way, it's impossible not to look. More words: Awe, admiration, wonder.

I once asked a friend what his worst fear was, and he immediately replied, "To be satisfied with life." What a bold response. How easy is it for each of us to live contentedly in our confined lifestyle's? There's still a lot of work to routine, I can attest to that. I wonder if this individual knew the work cut out for him in his ambition. You know, they say a goldfish can only grow as large as its fish bowl allows. The smaller the fish bowl, the smaller the fish. Out there, on the lake, I could feel myself grow, feel my mind and my heart expand to something larger. The world seems so much bigger once you step into it after living in a confined space for a long period of time.

Billy Joel once said, "I found that just surviving was a noble fight." I think surviving, though noble, is just not good enough for me. I want to make this place I live better, with room for growth. From now on, I will try and make more leaps, be more honest, laugh a little more, be generous in my affection, work a little harder, judge a little less, and live fearlessly. Fear is only the absence of faith, after all.

Suggestion: Read Peace Like A River, by Leif Enger. I said that nature was a stirring force, but so is this book. It brings the spirit of testimony, and you'll find yourself stronger for reading it.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Wired and a Little Tired

My head is a volcano. An active volcano, one of those ones that's sits around for a few years and does nothing until a particularly uneventful day when it decides to erupt and turn everybody's houses to rubble and dust. My head just erupted. Something spurred a whole lot of thought process all within about five minutes and now I'm trying to juggle five different things at once.

- I'm really stressed. I'm not unhappy, I'm not emotional, I just realized that I have a lot of things to do, and very little time to do them.
- Can someone please tell me what's wrong with my car? She won't run. The car people don't know what's wrong with her. I miss her.
- I'm trying to learn how to drive a stick. I hate it.
- Jess is coming home in less than a month. The unpredictability of this situation is driving me up the wall, and the suspense is killing me. I'm that girl in the audience shouting, "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!"
- I can't access my mission papers. Naturally, if it's electronic, it's going to sabotage itself so that I can't find a way in. Technology hates me.
- Most of my family is off doing other things with their lives this summer. I'm not. I'm not even going to Canada anymore. I'm desperate to move my legs. I've been stagnant for too long.
- I don't like how I coop my brain up until it explodes like this. There is so much creativity up there, but with the lack of oxygen and room, it turns to mush. This makes it difficult to be clever.
- I'm done waiting around for people. Keep up with me, or don't. I'm making my own plans now.
- Restless. Restless. Restless.

I can't sit at this computer anymore. I don't even have to be sitting here. Nothing is tying me to this computer. I owe it nothing. I have no obligation.

I'm going to go stall the Jeep some more.