An Incurable Sadness

I don't know how I feel about myself right now. I've never been truly discontented with who I am, especially these days where I've grown so much. But I still make mistakes, and just recently, even in all my grown upedness, I made a big one. It's because I was afraid to tell the truth, when I knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. Then, without warning, the truth presented itself before I was ready to tell itself, and I found myself in a tight spot. Now I'm at odds with my Best Friend, and at odds with myself. I've never thought of myself, but sometimes, I'm just dumb.

So, you should know, now that it's out, that I'm not going back to Utah State. You can't understand, not even if I could explain, how devastated I am by this. I love Logan, I love everything about it. The people, the school, the freedom. But I had to make a decision, something that would be good for my future, not just for me. That wasn't Utah State.

Growing up is hard. It's more than just getting taller and learning how to make a life in the big, strange world. It's letting go of comforts, and fears disguised as comforts, and things you wanted to stay the same forever. I wanted to stay in my ignorantly blissful state forever, and for once in my life, I made a decision that ripped me from that state and pushed me into something vastly different than what I was used to. I think I'll get used to it, but right now, I'm sad. Sad all the time, because I know I may never be going back.