Hope, and other tragic Human Emotions

Someone dear to me recently mentioned the curse of hoping against hope. It's that faint twinge of fantasy that strikes when the situation is seemingly impossible. At times, it seems that I can hope so much that the thing I've wished for so hard comes true, and all is well. However, that is not always the case.

Sometimes I hope against all hope, and it's in vain. These are the most painful situations, to hope for the impossible, and coming to find that it really is impossible. I've been experiencing this bitter rejection recently, in a friendship of mine. Or, the lack thereof. I'm really not sure what it is actually, but it's not what I hoped it would be. I'm usually so in control of my relationships with other people, and what I'm like, but in this case, I feel......powerless.
I've never felt so inferior as I do around this person, and I hate it. Why should I be afraid? I don't have any answers for myself. When it comes to people and behaviors, I'm usually very good and speaking my mind. This is not the case. Funny how people change us sometimes, even when we think are so stable in who we are. Flimsy, flexible Abby.

Mindless Babble

Whew! It's been quite the week and then some. Today at the Vault we had five employee's try and pull one thousand rolls, with the help and support of the staff. I was on the extra machine with Emily and Pia, and we did 239. Not bad, I'd say. In the end, they made their goal, but I don't think I've ever seen a less chatty bunch than I did today. We were all exhausted! Remind me never to exert myself like that again.
It's funny how much you can come to understand a person over time. Feelings change, as does perspective, and as you grow to understand the person more and more, you come to find a profound respect for them. Okay, maybe not all the time, but that's how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could see how other people see me, if not just to understand myself better.

Saturday was a great day. I went shopping with Julia and Ben (bought new Aviators which I now can't find....grr....and new flip flops!), then Ben, Curtis, Mykin and I went swimming. It was delightful! I miss swimming. Scratch that, I miss being outside altogether. What with working in a mountain and all, we don't see sunlight all that often. But that's okay. After swimming, Mykin and I, along with a few other friends, went to Jessica Wood's house and watched Return to Me and got pedicures. It was my first time, and at first I was a little reluctant, but I think I'll make a habit out of it. My feet have never felt so good before! Needless to say, it was one perfect day. One out of the many to come.

My brain is tired and my body is tired, and so I am tired. And my dumb computer won't let my load pictures onto Blogger, and so you're all deprived of visual agents. I apologize. I just wanted to leave a quick note saying life is good, I am happy, and I think I am on my way to something good.

Incredulity and the Like

Okay, why is it so hard to believe I'm not dating anyone right now?! I went to a wedding reception for my friend Alisa today, and the most often question asked was "How's the love life?" Asked many different times, in many different ways. I gave them all the same response. I wasn't seeing anybody. And every single one of those darned inquirers gave me looks of incredulity and then replied, "I don't believe you."

Now, this is an increasingly recurring theme in my life right now. I didn't go to Idaho with my family a few weeks ago, and three of my siblings asked, "For who?!" Honestly people, is it really that hard to believe?!?! I guess I deserve it, in one sick way or another. I've dated a lot, and so people have some right to assume I'm always seeing someone. Well I gotta news flash for ya folks. I'm not. I'm not seeing anyone, and I'm not sorry. I like where I am right now, I like having me and myself for company, and I guess that in a way, I'm a little glad people are so surprised. That's right, you didn't think it could happen, but it did, so now what? That's what I thought. Okay, I'm sorry.

The truth is, I needed this. People will talk to me sometimes about how they wish they could get a girl/boyfriend, or how they wished this specific person would take interest, and I never could understand why it was they needed someone so badly. I always tell those people that I don't need anyone to lean on like that, that I wouldn't be bothered if I had no one. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't lying when I said that, and it turns out (to my relief), I'm not. My life is good. How is yours?

Selfish

I'm feeling irrational today. That's not a good thing, because when I'm irrational, there's no way of getting through to me. I don't like this about myself, but I'm feeling quite bitter about a few things, and it's fogging my senses. Meanwhile, I'm trying to cool off.

Last night, I went and saw Kung Fu Panda. And it is, as of now, one of the greatest animated shows I have ever seen. Pixar is cute, and Madagascar was funny, but this movie, it has it. It has it all. The humor, the characters...the animation. Half of the reason why it's so cool is watching the animals bounce around the screen with each other. Needless to say, it is something everyone should see.

I wish I weren't in such a bad mood. I'm just tired of a lot of things. Like my family thinking it's okay to use my things as they please. I know it comes with the territory of having a family, but I liked living somewhere where the only thing I had to worry about was roommates eating my food. On top of that, I'm struggling with a few friendships right now that I'm not sure how to go about. Today I need some air. Who knew it would be so cold in June?!

I hate watching people get hurt, my friends in particular. I have a friend right now who likes this girl, and for a long time, she gave him a vibe that she was interested. Now she refuses to talk to him. My friend is devastated, but he's still holding on to this small thread of hope that he can fix things. No matter what I say, he believes he can fix it. I wish he could see what he was doing to himself, but it's very hard to see our flaws when we are living so close to ourselves. On top of his pain, I'm furious that anyone could lead him on so fully without any regard (or awareness) of what they were doing. We're all human, we all have feelings, we're all vulnerable. Those people that disregard all these things are the people I would like to push in front of a train. I'm more than willing to help pick up pieces of hurt friends, but I hate it when it shouldn't have happened. Shame on us all, for our selfish desires.

Bitter Satisfaction

Am I apathetic? Or am I just looking for something to be passionate about? I don't know. I feel like I've become passive about life, and that I'm getting used to it.

I went on a date once, and my date asked me what my greatest fear was. I said it was being completely alone (which I know I never will be, thankfully, but it's an awful thought all the same). When I asked him the same question, he said, "To be satisfied with life." I admire that answer. I admire his awareness of how easily we can slip into mediocrity if we're not careful. So many people settle for a simple personality, even if complexity is desired. This is how I feel, and it scares me. I don't want to be satisfied with who I am at the present, because there really isn't much to me right now. Sometimes I worry so much about my future, I forget that I'm living in the present. Odd how that works.

Today was a busy day. Pia (our Team Leader) said we weren't working hard enough, and that we could do better. I was exempt of course, because I was new, and had completed forty-two rolls the day before (I don't think anybody expected me to catch on so quick. Should I be offended?). Anyway, we all put on our game faces and worked hard all morning. By break at 9:30, I had twenty-six rolls, and by lunch, I had doubled that. It was at the very end of the day that I lost my rhythm, and only managed to complete four more before quit time. That gave me a count of sixty for the day, which is, to say the least, very impressive for someone who hasn't even worked there a week. Everyone says they're really proud of me. I like this new family I've found, they're support seems limitless. Sixty rolls today. Tomorrow, I'll go for eighty.

More good news: We had our first longer-than-one-minute conversation! It was momentous. I'm pretty sure this isn't unrequited love I'm feeling, but I won't get cocky. For all I know, he's just a really nice guy (or a huge flirt), who treats everyone the same. But there are little things that don't escape my attention, like when he says I should sit by him, or when he waits for me at the end of the day. But this is all merely theoretical. I have no proof. None at all. Meanwhile, he is still pretty.

I'm trying to find a rhythm for my life, and I think I'm finally on my way.

Gather round, kids!

You know, it takes a lot to make me feel awkward. I'm a naturally easy going person, and so when confronted with situations or people, I handle them well, and I pride myself in it. Dave even said today that he was very impressed with how I handled situations where I might otherwise act selfishly. Then why in the world does he make me feel so awkward? "He" is my co-worker, and I do dumb things around him, like not say anything, or try and communicate with hand signals (I was trying to back out, and I didn't know if I had enough space!). I like him, and he's really nice, but I can't help but feel self conscious around him.
Today we were walking back from lunch (the first time we've ever walked together, mind you), and he asked me what I like to do, and I said, "I don't know." And in my head, I was thinking, "You don't know?! Abby, you are such a yutz." Later he came back and I told him I liked music, which is a small recovery, but that's not the point. The point it this kid makes me feel inferior, and I don't know why! Bah. Life is complex when you're brainless.

So, I work in a mountain, and it pretty much rocks. Literally. Today I walked out, and everything was covered in mist. Little Cottonwood is by far my favorite canyon, and here I get to work in it! Nothing beats this job I tell you, nothing. I'm finally taking time to adjust to the silly Mac my parents bought, and am currently loading all Switchfoot material onto iTunes, to which I am also adjusting.

Nothing truly important is on my mind today. Everyone is busy doing things, so here I am, by my lonesome, listening to music and reflecting on my future. I'm not really sure what to do with it just yet, and my options are varied, so I'm letting them meander around my mind while I consider them. Making a decision right now isn't important. I love life.