My Music

Thursday, July 31, 2008

In the Long Run

The only reason I am online at all right now is because Andrew is at Batman again, and my other friends are conveniently not around. I wouldn't call it convenience. I think that of all the days I could have chosen to be alone, this would not have been my first choice. I tried doing productive things, I really did. First, I tried reading the book I just started (which is supposedly good for my health), and nearly fell asleep. So then I tried going somewhere, but as soon as I got in the car, I realized there was really no where to go. So I came back inside and sat for a while. Just sat, and contemplated, pondered, wondered about nothing in particular. And then I started to fall asleep again. So I got on here, looked at things that won't matter in ten years. I hate to think this is what I'm doing with my life. I hate doing something, and thinking to myself, "Will this matter in the long run?" Usually it doesn't, but then, that's the way with most of what is called the present.

I want what I'm doing now to be meaningful in one way or another. If it doesn't affect my future directly, then I want it to affect me. The sad thing about this is that I'm always doing pointless things. I came to this realization recently, and it made me cranky. So I've started reading again. I've started taking care of myself a little bit better. Because in ten years, I don't want to look back and wish I'd done something with my youth other than waste it. And that's where the change of heart comes in.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Life (And Its Cost)

I feel sick today. And I felt sick yesterday. And I've felt sick on and off for the last two weeks. I think my body is trying to tell me something. It's probably mutiny. But other than that, I feel fine. I'm finally done with going to work at 6:00 instead of 7:00. I'm getting better at the process I was already good at. I'm learning new things. I love this part of life.

I've been so busy with work lately, and when it's not work, it's either friends or family, or sleep. This is by no means a bad or tiresome pattern, but sometimes I just wish there were more hours in the day. I miss having energy and time to do all the things I loved to do. I miss reading books, and writing. I miss lying down on the lawn without falling asleep. I miss staying up late. I know I'm incredibly blessed to have the job I do, but it came with a very heavy price. I don't blame it though. I think the day when my life changed would have come with or without my current occupation, so I can only be grateful that it came in the form that it did.

These days I try harder to love my life, rather than be the critic. When I look back on these days, I'll probably miss them, just like I miss every moment in my life. I think I'm glad of that. It makes change harder, but that's a small price to pay. I hope everyone realizes sooner than later that its easier to love their life than loathe it. When making a list of pros and cons, unless you're a homeless man living in Alaska living off refried beans and fish heads, I'm sure you'll find that the good outweigh the bad. Or if you live in Nottingham. Apparently that's not so great either.

Saturday, July 12, 2008


Let me paint you a picture.

Now, I'm all for being flexible with my imagination when it comes to new ideas. I'm always willing to make room for a little perspective. But this is grotesque. What true fan, what sane person, would accept this as Twilight? Ask anyone who knows and loves these books. We know these characters, we aren't just acquaintances with this romance.

This wasn't just Stephenie Meyer's story. She made it all of ours when she had it published, and she should not have been the deciding factor about this movie. I think we should have had a vote, or a riot, or something. This book is now just as much ours as hers. I'm not necessarily mad at her. I'm just disappointed in the turn things have taken.

Ah, Hollywood, have you no shame?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Trains, Planes, and Third Degree Burns

I'm a going places person. Be it car, plane, boat, or yes, even a motorcycle, I can't resist the thrill of the ride. Cars are somewhat trivial. I don't know how I feel about extensive drives to far away places, but I do enjoy long drives up canyons, or out to no where in particular. Otherwise, I have no preference. Each freedom of choice brings different sites, and all the same enjoyment.

Last Monday, my friend Russell took me on a motorcycle ride. Having only ridden two other motorcycles in my life, both with grandparents, I was excited! And I was right to be, it was amazing! Driving in a car is nice, but on a motorcycle, the world is open to you! It's like the difference between flying in a plane, and hang-gliding. There's just a difference. I loved it. Granted, I did burn my leg on the exhaust pipe, which turned into a third degree burn, which is now ailing me terribly, but there are worse things. There are always worse things.

Friday, July 4, 2008

An Incurable Sadness

I don't know how I feel about myself right now. I've never been truly discontented with who I am, especially these days where I've grown so much. But I still make mistakes, and just recently, even in all my grown upedness, I made a big one. It's because I was afraid to tell the truth, when I knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. Then, without warning, the truth presented itself before I was ready to tell itself, and I found myself in a tight spot. Now I'm at odds with my Best Friend, and at odds with myself. I've never thought of myself, but sometimes, I'm just dumb.

So, you should know, now that it's out, that I'm not going back to Utah State. You can't understand, not even if I could explain, how devastated I am by this. I love Logan, I love everything about it. The people, the school, the freedom. But I had to make a decision, something that would be good for my future, not just for me. That wasn't Utah State.

Growing up is hard. It's more than just getting taller and learning how to make a life in the big, strange world. It's letting go of comforts, and fears disguised as comforts, and things you wanted to stay the same forever. I wanted to stay in my ignorantly blissful state forever, and for once in my life, I made a decision that ripped me from that state and pushed me into something vastly different than what I was used to. I think I'll get used to it, but right now, I'm sad. Sad all the time, because I know I may never be going back.