Today marked my recognition that fall is soon coming. I'm a little sad. Watching summer fade is a slow process, and sometimes a desolate one, seeing as the world is dying. Ah, but dying is the wrong word to use. It's too permanent. The world is changing. Fall is the gift we are given to make the transition from summer to winter easier. The colors blind us from the falling leaves, the cool weather distracts us from its inevitable drop, and my excitement to buy new hats and scarves make it easier to put my flip flops away. I'm excited for crunchy leaves!
Maybe it shouldn't matter so much to me. I mean, I've never had a short supply of friendships, and every one of them mean a world of happiness to me. You already know I would give anything for the people I love. I like to think they would do the same for me. That's what makes life so great. The people I love, love me back. Does it seem like a silly thing to be grateful for? Unconditional love from one person to another should never be taken for granted.
And that's why I'm so unhappy about this. I did, for one fleeting moment, take a friendship for granted, I think you could even say I took advantage of it. How fragile the balance of our lives are, one minute a fluent rhythm of cogs and wheels that make it run like clock work, the next, a balancing act that teeters on the edge of a very deep abyss. Sometimes there's no coming back from that.
I've written about this before. About a friendship that was jeopardized because of my own actions. Mine is an exemplary life that should be looked to when you wonder what you should not do. I am that example, sitting on my pedestal of mistakes and bad decisions with the "Dunce" cap on my head. If you want to do the right thing, take a leaf out of someone else's book.
I don't want to be quarantined. I feel huge remorse for hurting my friend, this brilliantly clever individual who would play my games of humor and laugh even when I was just being dumb. Who couldn't appreciate this? None of you need to hear this, but I needed to let the cosmos know that I do have a conscience, and I am very sorry.
For the first time in my life, sunsets make me sad.
I've been sick for six days. I haven't eaten anything for forty hours. I can't do anything without feeling like I just hiked Mount Everest. Little oxygen and NO energy. I carried a can of peaches up the stairs, and nearly died from over exertion. What's more, I'm out of sick time at work, and using anymore would be dipping into my vacation time. I'm not happy about this. What's more, it's been a very lonely six days.
What a fantastic week it's been. I feel as though I am a goldfish, swimming in the same murky goldfish bowl water that I've been swimming in for some time now. Picture, if you will, the scene from Finding Nemo after the fish sabotaged the filter. That is what my goldfish bowl looks like. I said murky right? I would also say disgusting, dirty, unattended. I think the lack of care would be my fault, but I can only blame myself so much. The other thing is: My bowl is just too small. I suppose that for another fish, a contented fish, it may be a nice, homy place to live. Not this fish.
I went to Lake Powell this week, and as I sat there, at the tip of the boat, I realized that wide open spaces is what frees a person from not only routine and mediocrity, but from their own restrictions as well. I felt as though the fog from my mind was lifted, a fog I didn't know existed until I saw those red canyon walls and felt the rush of hot wind on my face. Nature's wake up call is the most stirring, I think. If all the force of beauty and element Powell had to offer me didn't wake me up, the night sky did. I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night and gazing into the brilliant infinity of the universe. Forever is a scary thing to face when we ourselves are so temporary. But with something so breathtaking as the Milky Way, it's impossible not to look. More words: Awe, admiration, wonder.
I once asked a friend what his worst fear was, and he immediately replied, "To be satisfied with life." What a bold response. How easy is it for each of us to live contentedly in our confined lifestyle's? There's still a lot of work to routine, I can attest to that. I wonder if this individual knew the work cut out for him in his ambition. You know, they say a goldfish can only grow as large as its fish bowl allows. The smaller the fish bowl, the smaller the fish. Out there, on the lake, I could feel myself grow, feel my mind and my heart expand to something larger. The world seems so much bigger once you step into it after living in a confined space for a long period of time.
Billy Joel once said, "I found that just surviving was a noble fight." I think surviving, though noble, is just not good enough for me. I want to make this place I live better, with room for growth. From now on, I will try and make more leaps, be more honest, laugh a little more, be generous in my affection, work a little harder, judge a little less, and live fearlessly. Fear is only the absence of faith, after all.
Suggestion: Read Peace Like A River, by Leif Enger. I said that nature was a stirring force, but so is this book. It brings the spirit of testimony, and you'll find yourself stronger for reading it.
My head is a volcano. An active volcano, one of those ones that's sits around for a few years and does nothing until a particularly uneventful day when it decides to erupt and turn everybody's houses to rubble and dust. My head just erupted. Something spurred a whole lot of thought process all within about five minutes and now I'm trying to juggle five different things at once.
- I'm really stressed. I'm not unhappy, I'm not emotional, I just realized that I have a lot of things to do, and very little time to do them. - Can someone please tell me what's wrong with my car? She won't run. The car people don't know what's wrong with her. I miss her. - I'm trying to learn how to drive a stick. I hate it. - Jess is coming home in less than a month. The unpredictability of this situation is driving me up the wall, and the suspense is killing me. I'm that girl in the audience shouting, "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!" - I can't access my mission papers. Naturally, if it's electronic, it's going to sabotage itself so that I can't find a way in. Technology hates me. - Most of my family is off doing other things with their lives this summer. I'm not. I'm not even going to Canada anymore. I'm desperate to move my legs. I've been stagnant for too long. - I don't like how I coop my brain up until it explodes like this. There is so much creativity up there, but with the lack of oxygen and room, it turns to mush. This makes it difficult to be clever. - I'm done waiting around for people. Keep up with me, or don't. I'm making my own plans now. - Restless. Restless. Restless.
I can't sit at this computer anymore. I don't even have to be sitting here. Nothing is tying me to this computer. I owe it nothing. I have no obligation.
Let me tell you my friends, it's been an interesting few weeks. There have been a lot of good moments. There have been a lot of bad. A lot of growth, and that kind of pain that comes with growth. I've really enjoyed it, for the most part. Nothing gets me through the bad times like the good times. And the weather.
I mean, have we ever seen a June like this? Of constant rain showers and thunder storms? Has Salt Lake ever been so blessed? Mormons drive me crazy sometimes. We're always praying for more moisture, and the minute the Lord complies with his obedient saints, all this talk goes up about how tired we are of rain. It amazes me that a desert people such as we could ever take something like it for granted.
Rain, to me, is a healing element. Nothing seems to make me feel quite as awestruck as a rain storm. My patio is the perfect place to witness these. I don't often put down what I'm doing for the sake of a moment, but on the off chance I do, it's probably for rain. Because rain fixes things. It cleanses. It washes the streets, makes everything green, takes away the pollution. And it clears the mind. Inhale that whiff of wet earth and try not to feel better.
Rain helps you embrace things. It helps you to let go. It mends. It excites. It often provokes the urge to dance. To say the very least, it's like magic.
It's a beautiful thing my friends, a very beautiful thing. Don't take it for granted.
As in, I thrive on other people's happiness. Sounds morbid, right? It's not. I've just found that it's hard for me to be happy when someone I love is less than the same. I can't stand it. Worse than this, however, is when I am the direct cause of their unhappiness. When it's my fault. And right now, it's definitely my fault.
At least, I feel like it is. Maybe there's more. There probably is. But whatever the circumstance, I know that I was of no help to it. And I am wrought with guilt. Why was I so careless? Seeing my friend so miserable created a deep set misery inside myself, and I can't seem to pull out of it. I don't want to be in this place, but it's so hard not to be.
I'm also frustrated because we're not really friends anymore. I try daily to mend things, and he ends up insulting me in some enormous way that makes me vow to really try and not be friends with him anymore. But then a half hour passes, my feelings are not as hurt as they were, and I find myself trying to justify the words that were said to me.
I guess I'm looking for some advice. I'm willing to be persistent, but I don't know if I should. One the one hand, it hurts a lot. On the other, a friendship is something worth a little hardship, isn't it? You tell me.
Stop what you're doing. Put down everything. Whatever it is, whatever you need to do can wait. Because you need to watch this. Don't look at how long it is, don't say you don't have time. You do have time. Watch it.
I've been itching to get on my blog for a month, being unable to on account of problems with Gmail, and now that I find the liberty to do so, I find my mind, once swimming with things to put here in this little box, is now utterly blank. No, not blank. Overwhelmed. But I will do the best I can.
It's been a time of internal growth. I'm surprised it's taken me this long to find my feet in the matter, but I am finally striving to place myself in a world where who I am is who I appear to be. And I think I am doing a fine job.
Among other things: - My work caught on fire. There was a coil that overheated in the air ducts, and we had to shut down production for a week. During this time, the vault employees worked downtown. They really didn't need us there, so I ended up doing silly things like putting stickers on boxes. Please. Who gets payed $11.21 to do that? - After the week downtown, we had to work extra hard to meet our Quarterly demand, and three weeks to do it. I put in 27 hours of overtime to help get there, and by the very last day, we were there. Talk about exhaustion, but it was a gratifying experience. - There's been a lot of hearbreak in these last two months. - School is drawing to a close. I now know how to solve an Algebraic Sequence. Don't be impressed, it's not hard. - Stephanie finally got married. A day of bliss, bitter cold, and the inevitable exhaustion that comes from so much joy and work in one little day.
This isn't all. But it's all I have time for. I think one day I'll have more time again. But that day is not today. Developments on life will continue, when they happen.
This week revealed new things about myself. My supervisor, Dan, recreated our process in Digital Operations, much to the dislike of his employees (me included). We muttered, conversed, whispered, but grudgingly reorganized our own personal processes to conform to this strange, new idea. The end result: Our production rate went up, as did most of our numbers. I realized at that point that if I were wandering around in the wilderness with Moses, I would be the one dying from venom while murmuring faithlessly. That bugged me. And then it humbled me. Starting over.
I've been selfish, so please just know that I'm sorry, and that I'm smiling because it happened. No regrets.
I'm really bad at subliminal messages. Actually, I'm really good at them, but sometimes there is no sub involved. It's merely a liminal message you wish you could say conspicuously. There's no such thing, in this case. Really, all I can say is, Life is unfair, I hate this, and I don't know how to cope with the ache. I'm really bad at coping. This concerns none of any who might read this but one, and you already know who you are. I miss you too.
So I started a blog, then got writer's block. Some things are better left unsaid, I guess.
Today was a crazy day. It started out with my co-workers harassing me incessantly, and ended in merry laughter and witty banter. Good day. Good talk.
Among other things: - I bought Bones, Seasons 1-3. Nothing better, I tell you. Absolutely nothing. - I'm finally taking care of classes. Ah SLCC, what can you offer me other than bowling? - The sunset was amazing tonight. Sometimes clouds have silver linings. Sometimes they're pink and purple and gold. - My mom needs the computer. - I miss my friends. I was listening to Danny's tape this morning, and the loneliness almost killed me. - Amanda needs the computer. - All my girl friends are either at college, married, engaged, or pregnant. 'Nuff said. - It's been a good day.
Your lives are good. My life is good. Our lives are good, despite what we all think. Stop a moment. The roses smell nice.
Okay, so I'm writing this blog for all those people who have been asking for an update from me. Here's the problem, you people: I have nothing to say. And that's actually kind of a lie, but where do I start filling you in on life as I know it? There are too many beginnings.
School is starting up again next week. I'm going to plug through as best I can through my generals (while still working full time at The Vault), and see how far I get. This semester entails: Math 1050 (To war!), some computer class (I've gotten by so far with my limited knowledge, I see no reason to take this class), and bowling! Yeah. Bowling. And it counts. But school? School is not a big part of my life right now. If I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and were taking affirmative action, I would be so excited! If I were attending a University, or I were back up at Utah State with my very missed roommates, and taking classes I was actually interested in taking, I would dawn the fully gung-ho attitude everyone should have about school. To all those students who have recently moved and aren't sure how they feel about the change yet, I have this to say to you: You have no idea how lucky you are.
Life as of late hasn't changed much for me, I don't think it's found much reason too. But all that's going to change with the year. 2008 was a year for pace. 2009 is a year for change. And I'm not just saying that because Obama is getting inaugurated. This year I'm going to be making some big decisions, life changing decisions, and while this is somewhat unnerving, I'm ready. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to make some leaps. Yes. I'm ready. It's time to leave hibernation mode, and to stretch myself a little bit. And I'm excited! I've let myself sink into a somewhat repetitive, sluggish state where I sit in my routine and daydream about how one day, things will be different, and I'll enjoy my life again. I realize now that that kind of change only comes with a change of heart and mind. I think I knew that all along, I just wanted to mope. I'm kicking myself for that now.
Change is coming. The good, the bad, the necessary. And, as a wise, fat captain once said:
I’m Abigail, and the first thing you should know is that I love people. I’m twenty, and I love being twenty. Just like I loved being nineteen, and eighteen, and seventeen. And I’ll probably love being twenty-one just as much. I love to do everything, and then some. I don’t know what I want to do with my life right now, but I hope it’s helping people one way or another. I never wear sun screen. I believe whole-heartedly in Karma. I could give you a review of probably any movie you could ever ask me about. I have no patience. I’m always up for trying new things, unless it’s food, then I have to have my routine. When I’m angry, I’m irrational, and often say things I don’t mean. I’m honest with people. I love life. I love those around me. I love myself.