My Music

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Paradoxes, Oxymorons, and Catch 22's

"It's enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."
-Huckleberry Finn

I am sometimes amazed at people's lack of respect. Amazed and bewildered. It makes me so sad to see someone pass judgment on another whom he may hardly know. Well, sometimes it makes me sad. Mostly it makes me angry. I know I've had my share of opinions when it comes to other people, but I only hope that at the end of the day, my friends know that I am there to live up to our friendship, and not betray their trust with spiteful words. That's all I really want.

I have friends. People I trust, and who love me. They're the kind of people I wish I'd met earlier in life so that I could have better followed their examples. They're all on missions, or at college now, but they were those friends that made me want to be better. I hope that everyone in the world has at least one person like that. I was blessed enough to get a whole bunch of them.

Tonight I witnessed one of my dear friends mocked in his absence, by people he hardly knows. How does that make a person feel? I have encountered many worst versions of myself in many different scenarios, but I hope I never find that worst version where I feel justified in saying something unkind about anyone else, be it a friend or acquaintance. Every one of us deserves so much better. Huck was right. Human beings can be so cruel to each other.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Magic Deer, Bambi, and the Kind That Hit You

Once, when I was in Canada, I wrote a poem. It was about a deer. It goes like this.

Dead deer, Dead deer,
You're dead I fear.

I portrayed my feelings so poignantly, I didn't feel much need to expand. Today, I think I better understand the meaning of that eloquently written poem. Today, I got hit by a deer.

I mean, it's not the greatest thing to happen right before an interview, but what's getting hit by a deer if not inconvenient? You won't find anyone waking up in the morning thinking, "Today will be the day! That deer will finally hit me." Maybe if it were a magic deer. But I've digressed. Here's what happened:

I'd been driving up Little Cottonwood Canyon on the way to my second interview at the Church History Vault. I was feeling pretty good, just prepping myself by singing along to Jack's Mannequin and looking at the road, which is why I probably didn't see it coming. The deer came at me from the side, and before I knew what was really happening, it was swerving right into the side of my car. It all happened so fast, I didn't even have time to react. I pulled off the road (while the car behind me drove on, perfectly aware of what had just happened), and looked at the deer, who was lying motionless on the side of the road. I then moved around the other side of my car to see the damage. The right side was streaked with fur and blood, and the whole back door was dented in, along with the side mirror, and just above the tire.
Well, I called my Mom and started to cry as I turned my car around until I was just across the street from the deer. A nice man pulled over too, to see if I was okay, and we watched the deer for a little bit until it sat up and stumbled back into the brush. This would be the end of my story, except for Stella (my car) decided to take a crack at me by acting like she was in neutral when she was really in drive. I turned the car on and off a couple times before she finally came to, and I finished the last stretch up to the Vault. The interview went well, and I ended up getting the job, but the moment was outshone by the already eventful morning.

Stella's in the shop now, and, apart from her bashed in side, is apparently running fine. Poor car, she's seen some days. But she'll live to see better days. I'm not sure if I can say the same for the deer. Maybe she'll look both ways the next time she tries to cross the street. Needless to say, I won't be there next time she does.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

A Countdown

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1. We'll make it through this together, like we always do. Things will be okay. You're my best friend.

2. I can't believe how things turned around so quickly. I have you to thank for it of course, you finally took a stand, and I can't tell you how glad I am that you did.

3. I'm glad you miss me as much as I miss you. I'd feel pretty dumb if it were a one sided thing. Thanks for being that roommate!

4. I wish I knew where you were and what you were thinking. It's driving me crazy wondering if I'm just imagining what we had, or if it was real.

5. You're my hero. People don't really think of you as a hero, but that's what you are to me.

6. I know it seems like all the answers are right there, but I've been there before, and life gets more complicated as you get older. Pace yourself, don't do anything rash.

7. Thanks for being there through thick and thin. I hope you're having fun where you are, and even though we're going different directions, that you never forget me.

8. I know you're bitter about everything that's happened, but I think it's time to let go. Don't let your anger control your life.

9. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, that you're truly happy, and not just trying to fool yourself.

10. It's because of your friendship that I wish I never had to grow up. I'm glad that when I look back, I'll have memories of good times. You made growing up not so hard.

NINE things about yourself:
1. I hate change.
2. Nature is what calms me the most.
3. I think way too much of myself.
4. I love helping people.
5. I'm ambitious, but sometimes I lose sight of my goals.
6. I hate protocol, and I hate conformity.
7. Despite what people may think, I love my family more than anything else in this world.
8. Try and push me around, and I'll bite your head off.
9. I like staring at myself in the mirror and cleaning when I talk on the phone to people.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Be honest with me.
2. Have an opinion of your own, but don't be headstrong about it.
3. Smile.
4. Freckles.
5. Show me how much you love me.
6. Be confident in yourself, know where you stand.
7. Be ambitious. Love life.
8. Respect those around you. Respect me. Respect yourself.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. What am I going to do with my life?
2. How do other people see me?
3. I could never be friends with myself.
4. I'm hungry.
5. Am I where I'm supposed to be?
6. Why isn't Jess writing?
7. I need to take care of myself.

SIX things you wish you never did:
1. Quit dance.
2. Quit soccer.
3. Sluff school so much.
4. Concert choir.
5. Lost my Aviators in California.
6. Cared about what other people thought.

FIVE turn offs:
1. Ego.
2. Rudeness.
3. Lazy.
4. Too nice.
5. Too opinionated.

FOUR turn ons:
1. Humor.
2. Freckles.
3. Confidence.
4. Kindness.

THREE smileys that describe your life:
1. :D
2. 8)
3. :O

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. See the Northern Lights.
2. Do something, anything, to make this world a better place.

ONE confession:
1. I used to sleep with a box.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

A Change in Seasons

You know, I never remember how much I've missed Spring until it's here again. It brings so much nostalgia with it though that sometimes it's hard to breathe for want of space. This time of the year always seems to be the most eventful for me. People leave, new ones come (or in this year's case, old ones come back), and here am I, always the same, at least to myself. Everything is green again! I made a trip to our park today, where nobody ever goes, and sat by myself a while and reflected on life. Apparently I was in less than a reflective mood, because I fell asleep. That's okay too though, life is well paced, and I don't feel much need to think too hard about anything right now, because life is in place, and that's all that really matters right now. The future comes later, I won't worry.

I always feel like life is changing and moving around me while I'm standing still. I never seem to be doing much, but maybe to the world, I'm just a whirlwind of change. It's hard to tell, seeing as I'm not the world. Whoever thought I would get so old? I know I never did. I'm sure growing up wouldn't be nearly as climactic if it didn't sneak up on us the way it does. I mean, we use up our youth until one day we look and voila! we are older, and that's that. This is what I've been fighting with. I know those of you reading this are thinking, "Please, Abby. You are no where near grown up yet." I know I'm not, but I'm not far away either, and that's the scary thought. An even scarier thought is that I won't be ready for it. It's a very human fear, but then, that's what I am.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Truth

I'm angry.

I'm angry because I feel blamed for something that shouldn't be my fault.
I'm mad because I shouldn't have to take this kind of burden without any way of defending myself.
I'm hurt because it doesn't seem like she once even thought about what I've been going through.
I'm miserable because I miss her.

We were never terribly good at expressing our feelings to each other, but we were honest, and we were loyal to each other. This never changed for me, I don't know why things fell apart the way they did. I used to just assume that that's what friendships did overtime: Friends would change, grow up, find that they're different after all and go their separate ways. I thought that before I realized what a great friendship I had, and how I never wanted it to change ever. It was inevitable that every other friendship might hit the void eventually, but this one seemed more than that. You know what the saddest part about this whole thing is? I still believe that. Maybe that's why it still hurts this much. Well. That and being the scapegoat. Like that's fair.

When did we change? Was there something I missed? I have so many questions that will probably never be answered. And it's like she doesn't even care, so I'm embarrassed that I'm the one who's dwelling. I'm not really sorry though. I've been angry, hurt, confused, and more than anything frustrated, but I'll always care about her, no matter what. Yep. That's where the bitterness is coming from. So at least now you know, even if she never will.