Flashbacks and Feelings

A flashback, if you will:

Remember in the Third Season of The Office when Jim started dating Karen, and everyone knew he still loved Pam? I remember. I felt awful during those episodes where Jim and Pam ignored each other and Jim pretended to enjoy dating Karen. It was frustrating, and heart breaking! Anyway, after that season, I thought I would never feel as rotten again. I spoke too soon.

Lorelai married Chris. She’s not just dating him, she married him! She just dropped Luke like it didn’t even matter. Now I don’t know who to be mad at. Season seven is the pits. I’m sad. Yes, pathetic, but sad. Why is everyone so okay with this? What happens to Luke? What about those of us who like the Luke Danes’ of the world, those not necessarily perfect, but pull-through kind of guys? I don’t know. Megan said I have a Luke Danes. He’s not a grouchy, but sure, he’s a Luke Danes. I like that.

This was all I had to say. This show has become so apart of my life, I’ve started dreaming Gilmore Girls, and when I’m not having dreams about it, I’m thinking about it. Just one more day. One more day, the show will be over, and I’ll have my life back. I wonder what the sun looks like. Just kidding. Back to the show.

When it Rains.......

For the record, I should not be writing right now. I should be concentrating on writing a talk about setting goals and why it's important to follow through with them. I can't. I'm not good at speaking to the masses, I wasn't made for that sort of thing. The Bishopric took the liberty of ripping me from my comfort bubble! I have yet to find my happy place this week, as you can see.

On top of this, I have two exams on Thursday which I am unprepared for, and a Math exam the next week. And homework, don't forget homework. To top off this load of monstrosity, our RA scheduled Apartment Inspections for tomorrow. Needless to say, I haven't felt this stressed in almost a year.

Were I not so busy, I might almost miss this overwhelming feeling of having too little time and too much to do. Too often, my afternoons are spent dawdling, or watching TV. I've become a real junkie. Megan and I have moved on from Psych, to Angel, to Gilmore Girls. And in this time, I probably could have studied for Marriage and Family, or completed that extra homework assignment for math.

This is probably the most uninformative (Or at least most uninteresting) blog I have ever written. I like writing about things I like writing about, not stress induced weeks that make me feel as though any moment my head will take the liberty of spontaneously combusting. This blog is just a blog to vent out all the pent up, misunderstood frustrations that can't be compromised, and can't be subdued. C'est la vie? Really?

A Change in the Weather

I hate 7:30 class. Not necessarily the class, although Math never was my forte, but the timing of it all is just so....inconvenient. Once next week is over, I'll be free from the chains of early rising and yawning for the rest of the day (which begins to hurt one's jaw). There is, however, one thing I've always enjoyed from getting up before most other students, and that is walking to class. You wouldn't believe some of the things I've seen in the dawn of morning that took my breath away. It's like a small present saying, "I know it's hard, but thanks for doing it anyway." The weather never disappoints me, despite the cold temperatures. I've encountered sunrises that give me purple mountains and golden clouds, I've seen a full moon setting over a beautiful horizon, walked through a soft snow in the growing light with no one around but myself. Today I left my apartment and found that I could see nothing twenty feet ahead of me, because of a fog that had settled over the valley. Sometimes I can't help but laugh in awe at some of the things I see.

I took my time as I walked through the mist, admiring it at every angle, and taking it all in, even as my ears started to hurt from the cold. Logan is a beautiful place, I've never been anywhere like it that has such a variety of conditions. So, despite the earliness, the math, and the relentless cold, I'm almost sad to see it go. It always was such a wonderful way of starting a day. Even if I do get an extra hour of sleep, I'll miss the calm of it all. No one ever seems to appreciate the small moments of beauty they see, but the nice thing about it is that they're there all the same, for those who don't care, and for those of us who do.

Regarding Kissing

You know, I used to hate myself because of my past. I felt like I had kissed a lot of people, and that this was unusual. Lately, however, I have found that the world is addicted to kissing. No, not the world, people I know. It's different. Kissing boyfriends, girlfriends, random people, on dares, on stage, the list goes on and on in a whirl of repetition. Everyone loves to kiss. I loved to kiss. You'll never hear me deny it, I thought kissing was fun. And then I kissed this one person, and only him for an extended period of time (Don't be gross. I only mean we dated for a long time), and now that he is gone, I find myself repulsed by the thought of kissing anyone else. It's a shame that I can't give my heart away to anyone else, seeing as it is thousands of miles away. It hurts a little, but that's something I've adjusted to.

Why is it that kissing someone once is alright now? I thought kisses were supposed to be special, something you gave to only someone you cared about. It seems that even the slightest crush these days permits one to kiss. But.....shouldn't kissing be something....special? I'm sad that there are so many who take it so lightly. Did it happen overnight, or have I just become less oblivious. Hmmm. Sometimes the world changes. Sometimes I do.

Life, Death, and an Opportunity

I feel not so well today, but only physically. For some reason, my mood is much better when I'm sick. I have no complaints, my mood can be whatever it wants to, I’m flexible. I was going to post a blog sooner than now, but opportunity didn’t provide, so I have a lot to make up for and very little patience to do it.

Margot has moved out of our apartment. It’s a little sad, knowing how good friends we used to be, and how easily things could have been fixed, had compliancy been more apart of our human nature. Still, I think things will be much better now that she’s gone. River, my beautiful black rabbit, died this week. I miss her, and regret more than anything that I didn’t go out and visit her on Tuesday like I was planning. Still, death and life sometimes go hand in hand. Ariel is pregnant, and I’m going to be an Aunt, finally! I’m so excited, and a little jealous too. Oh, I’m not even implying that I’m anywhere near ready to have a baby, but she looks so happy all the time. Now I know what they mean when they talk about the glow that pregnant mothers have, it’s an ageless beauty. Ariel is already beautiful, so it only adds to an already spectacular display of kindness and radiance.

I met with TRU Talent Agency upon their request, and they expressed interest in working with me. It was flattering, and I won’t deny that I’m more than just a little tempted to take up the offer, but it would mean making a lot of changes that I don’t know I’m brave enough to make. Shallow as it sounds, it was a dream come true to hear that someone thought I was pretty enough for magazines and movies. But that’s where it ends, because I know it’s a shallow thought, and it would be a hollow life, were it to come true. I thought about it long and hard, about what I wanted, and what I was doing with my life. Well, I’m not doing anything, and now would be the perfect opportunity to make this leap, but what happens after that? See, I’ve got this brain, and I want to use it for something. Pretty sure it takes no brain to be a model, just skill and technique. I feel like it would be defeating the purpose of my being here. Ah, the triviality of trivial things.

Mold.

So. I think I may major in Psychology, just to better understand my living conditions. That's right, folks. There's been another episode of "War of the Roommates." I take that back, it's not really a War if only one side is fighting, right?

Generally, I'm a nice person, unless you target me directly with a nasty comment, and then I'm likely to get very nasty back. A defense mechanism, if you will. I'm somewhat fond of myself, and don't like it when people are unkind. This doesn't concern only me though, this is about everyone. I'm looking at these personalities that just can't seem to help but criticize, condemn, and blame others. It's nerve wracking, frustrating, that people are so inconsiderate that they wouldn't think about what they're saying. Who likes being talked about?

It was the most beautiful day today! I regret not spending more of it outside. Days seem to fly by now, I hardly have any time to do all that needs doing. This doesn't bother me terribly. This semester is old and moldy now, and I think I'm ready for a new one.

Stale

Well, it's been an interesting week. Good, bad, hard, tiring, funny, relentless. Definitely relentless. It was like taking a very wary stroll down Memory Lane. Because Memory Lane isn't always filled with those childhood games and first kisses and sunsets. Sometimes it's filled with indecision, hurt friends, and regrets. Lots of regrets. I don't think Memory Lane necessarily entails strolling. I think sometimes it entails running.....or hiding. The past is unpleasant sometimes.

But many times it's not.

I am wearing a hat today. Not because my hair is particularly unattractive, but more just because maybe that will keep all these thoughts from bursting through the layer of self called my head. Last night the air felt so stale in my apartment that I had to run for my life to the balcony so I could breathe again. I just felt burdened, that's all. Not enough of my life has anything to do with me right now, and that's not a bad thing, I suppose. It's just that so many people needed my attention last night, it was wearing. I'm better now, still tired emotionally and physically for exerting myself in the way I have been in the last week, but I think it will get better from here on out. And, in the words of a wise, blue fish, "Keep swimming, just keep swimming!"