The Rabbit

There's an interesting something that I learned while I was out of the world for this last year and a half. It's a really great trade, I really wish that I'd learned it earlier in life. I can promise you that if I had, this whole blog would have been constructed differently. I'll show you what I mean by giving you an example.

For my last interview with President Pizzirani, we sat talking about the mission, but mostly about the future, because for the both of us, it had come. As we sat and wrapped up the excellent, quality conversation, I stopped him and asked, from what he knew of me (which is quite a bit), what he thought it was that I needed to change, in order to be a little more prepared for this future of mine.

Writer's Note: This is already a big change, me asking what I can do to change. That never would have happened a year and a half ago.

President Pizzirani smiled at me in that humorous, loving way and said to me, "Sister, the one thing that you needed to change on the mission, you already have, which was to love change. Through the transfers and companions, you learned how to adjust and take on new challenges with a new perspective until you weren't afraid of it. This is the most important thing you could ever learn, because the only thing you'll see constantly in life is change. And so, if there was one piece of advice I could give you, I would tell you to always love change."

He really took me by surprise with that answer. It's hard to do an evaluation of oneself when you both live in the same room your whole life. Outside perspective is like opening a window, and stale opinion is overtaken by a fresh breeze of thought. President was right, though I'd never bothered to take note before that moment. If it were only for this reason, I would be thankful for the mission, but there are so many more reasons. So many more.

I told you this blog would have been different if I'd learn to love change early on in life. Many of these posts were tinted by a resistance to change, some more-so than others. I do love change. It's never easy, and more than not demands a greater sacrifice than one wants to give....but the rewards heavily outweigh any benefits to staying the same old same old. It's this factor that makes me love life so dearly at the moment. And of course, I wouldn't feel this way if I didn't have perfect trust in the Lord. I imagine now that I've stated it, he'll try it to see if it holds. Better sooner than later.

"All the rabbit in us is to disappear - the worried, conscientious, ethical rabbit as well as the cowardly and sensual rabbit. We shall bleed and squeal as the handfuls of fur come out; and then surprisingly, we shall find underneath it all a thing we have never yet imagined: a real Man, an ageless god, a son of God, strong, radiant, wise, beautiful, and drenched in joy.
- C.S. Lewis

Off I Go

Hello Everyone,

My apologies for the long silence. To keep a very long story short, I'm going on a mission tomorrow, to Brasilia, Brazil. For those interested enough, here is my address. Thanks to everyone for the support and friendship. I love you all!


Sister Abigail Marshall
Brazil Brasilia Mission
SHIN CA 05 salas 304/307
LOTE B1
71503-505 Brasilia - DF
Brazil

My Season

Today marked my recognition that fall is soon coming. I'm a little sad. Watching summer fade is a slow process, and sometimes a desolate one, seeing as the world is dying. Ah, but dying is the wrong word to use. It's too permanent. The world is changing. Fall is the gift we are given to make the transition from summer to winter easier. The colors blind us from the falling leaves, the cool weather distracts us from its inevitable drop, and my excitement to buy new hats and scarves make it easier to put my flip flops away. I'm excited for crunchy leaves!

Quarantined

Maybe it shouldn't matter so much to me. I mean, I've never had a short supply of friendships, and every one of them mean a world of happiness to me. You already know I would give anything for the people I love. I like to think they would do the same for me. That's what makes life so great. The people I love, love me back. Does it seem like a silly thing to be grateful for? Unconditional love from one person to another should never be taken for granted.

And that's why I'm so unhappy about this. I did, for one fleeting moment, take a friendship for granted, I think you could even say I took advantage of it. How fragile the balance of our lives are, one minute a fluent rhythm of cogs and wheels that make it run like clock work, the next, a balancing act that teeters on the edge of a very deep abyss. Sometimes there's no coming back from that.

I've written about this before. About a friendship that was jeopardized because of my own actions. Mine is an exemplary life that should be looked to when you wonder what you should not do. I am that example, sitting on my pedestal of mistakes and bad decisions with the "Dunce" cap on my head. If you want to do the right thing, take a leaf out of someone else's book.

I don't want to be quarantined. I feel huge remorse for hurting my friend, this brilliantly clever individual who would play my games of humor and laugh even when I was just being dumb. Who couldn't appreciate this? None of you need to hear this, but I needed to let the cosmos know that I do have a conscience, and I am very sorry.

For the first time in my life, sunsets make me sad.

Sick, sick, sick

I've been sick for six days. I haven't eaten anything for forty hours. I can't do anything without feeling like I just hiked Mount Everest. Little oxygen and NO energy. I carried a can of peaches up the stairs, and nearly died from over exertion. What's more, I'm out of sick time at work, and using anymore would be dipping into my vacation time. I'm not happy about this. What's more, it's been a very lonely six days.

Very lonely.

When in Powell.....

This summer has been an amazing one for trying new things (and succeeding at them). One more month of blissful weather and opportunities!

A Change of Scenery and Mindset

What a fantastic week it's been. I feel as though I am a goldfish, swimming in the same murky goldfish bowl water that I've been swimming in for some time now. Picture, if you will, the scene from Finding Nemo after the fish sabotaged the filter. That is what my goldfish bowl looks like. I said murky right? I would also say disgusting, dirty, unattended. I think the lack of care would be my fault, but I can only blame myself so much. The other thing is: My bowl is just too small. I suppose that for another fish, a contented fish, it may be a nice, homy place to live. Not this fish.


I went to Lake Powell this week, and as I sat there, at the tip of the boat, I realized that wide open spaces is what frees a person from not only routine and mediocrity, but from their own restrictions as well. I felt as though the fog from my mind was lifted, a fog I didn't know existed until I saw those red canyon walls and felt the rush of hot wind on my face. Nature's wake up call is the most stirring, I think. If all the force of beauty and element Powell had to offer me didn't wake me up, the night sky did. I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night and gazing into the brilliant infinity of the universe. Forever is a scary thing to face when we ourselves are so temporary. But with something so breathtaking as the Milky Way, it's impossible not to look. More words: Awe, admiration, wonder.

I once asked a friend what his worst fear was, and he immediately replied, "To be satisfied with life." What a bold response. How easy is it for each of us to live contentedly in our confined lifestyle's? There's still a lot of work to routine, I can attest to that. I wonder if this individual knew the work cut out for him in his ambition. You know, they say a goldfish can only grow as large as its fish bowl allows. The smaller the fish bowl, the smaller the fish. Out there, on the lake, I could feel myself grow, feel my mind and my heart expand to something larger. The world seems so much bigger once you step into it after living in a confined space for a long period of time.

Billy Joel once said, "I found that just surviving was a noble fight." I think surviving, though noble, is just not good enough for me. I want to make this place I live better, with room for growth. From now on, I will try and make more leaps, be more honest, laugh a little more, be generous in my affection, work a little harder, judge a little less, and live fearlessly. Fear is only the absence of faith, after all.

Suggestion: Read Peace Like A River, by Leif Enger. I said that nature was a stirring force, but so is this book. It brings the spirit of testimony, and you'll find yourself stronger for reading it.