In the Long Run

The only reason I am online at all right now is because Andrew is at Batman again, and my other friends are conveniently not around. I wouldn't call it convenience. I think that of all the days I could have chosen to be alone, this would not have been my first choice. I tried doing productive things, I really did. First, I tried reading the book I just started (which is supposedly good for my health), and nearly fell asleep. So then I tried going somewhere, but as soon as I got in the car, I realized there was really no where to go. So I came back inside and sat for a while. Just sat, and contemplated, pondered, wondered about nothing in particular. And then I started to fall asleep again. So I got on here, looked at things that won't matter in ten years. I hate to think this is what I'm doing with my life. I hate doing something, and thinking to myself, "Will this matter in the long run?" Usually it doesn't, but then, that's the way with most of what is called the present.

I want what I'm doing now to be meaningful in one way or another. If it doesn't affect my future directly, then I want it to affect me. The sad thing about this is that I'm always doing pointless things. I came to this realization recently, and it made me cranky. So I've started reading again. I've started taking care of myself a little bit better. Because in ten years, I don't want to look back and wish I'd done something with my youth other than waste it. And that's where the change of heart comes in.