A Change of Scenery and Mindset

What a fantastic week it's been. I feel as though I am a goldfish, swimming in the same murky goldfish bowl water that I've been swimming in for some time now. Picture, if you will, the scene from Finding Nemo after the fish sabotaged the filter. That is what my goldfish bowl looks like. I said murky right? I would also say disgusting, dirty, unattended. I think the lack of care would be my fault, but I can only blame myself so much. The other thing is: My bowl is just too small. I suppose that for another fish, a contented fish, it may be a nice, homy place to live. Not this fish.


I went to Lake Powell this week, and as I sat there, at the tip of the boat, I realized that wide open spaces is what frees a person from not only routine and mediocrity, but from their own restrictions as well. I felt as though the fog from my mind was lifted, a fog I didn't know existed until I saw those red canyon walls and felt the rush of hot wind on my face. Nature's wake up call is the most stirring, I think. If all the force of beauty and element Powell had to offer me didn't wake me up, the night sky did. I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night and gazing into the brilliant infinity of the universe. Forever is a scary thing to face when we ourselves are so temporary. But with something so breathtaking as the Milky Way, it's impossible not to look. More words: Awe, admiration, wonder.

I once asked a friend what his worst fear was, and he immediately replied, "To be satisfied with life." What a bold response. How easy is it for each of us to live contentedly in our confined lifestyle's? There's still a lot of work to routine, I can attest to that. I wonder if this individual knew the work cut out for him in his ambition. You know, they say a goldfish can only grow as large as its fish bowl allows. The smaller the fish bowl, the smaller the fish. Out there, on the lake, I could feel myself grow, feel my mind and my heart expand to something larger. The world seems so much bigger once you step into it after living in a confined space for a long period of time.

Billy Joel once said, "I found that just surviving was a noble fight." I think surviving, though noble, is just not good enough for me. I want to make this place I live better, with room for growth. From now on, I will try and make more leaps, be more honest, laugh a little more, be generous in my affection, work a little harder, judge a little less, and live fearlessly. Fear is only the absence of faith, after all.

Suggestion: Read Peace Like A River, by Leif Enger. I said that nature was a stirring force, but so is this book. It brings the spirit of testimony, and you'll find yourself stronger for reading it.

Wired and a Little Tired

My head is a volcano. An active volcano, one of those ones that's sits around for a few years and does nothing until a particularly uneventful day when it decides to erupt and turn everybody's houses to rubble and dust. My head just erupted. Something spurred a whole lot of thought process all within about five minutes and now I'm trying to juggle five different things at once.

- I'm really stressed. I'm not unhappy, I'm not emotional, I just realized that I have a lot of things to do, and very little time to do them.
- Can someone please tell me what's wrong with my car? She won't run. The car people don't know what's wrong with her. I miss her.
- I'm trying to learn how to drive a stick. I hate it.
- Jess is coming home in less than a month. The unpredictability of this situation is driving me up the wall, and the suspense is killing me. I'm that girl in the audience shouting, "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!"
- I can't access my mission papers. Naturally, if it's electronic, it's going to sabotage itself so that I can't find a way in. Technology hates me.
- Most of my family is off doing other things with their lives this summer. I'm not. I'm not even going to Canada anymore. I'm desperate to move my legs. I've been stagnant for too long.
- I don't like how I coop my brain up until it explodes like this. There is so much creativity up there, but with the lack of oxygen and room, it turns to mush. This makes it difficult to be clever.
- I'm done waiting around for people. Keep up with me, or don't. I'm making my own plans now.
- Restless. Restless. Restless.

I can't sit at this computer anymore. I don't even have to be sitting here. Nothing is tying me to this computer. I owe it nothing. I have no obligation.

I'm going to go stall the Jeep some more.

Spring Cleaning

Let me tell you my friends, it's been an interesting few weeks. There have been a lot of good moments. There have been a lot of bad. A lot of growth, and that kind of pain that comes with growth. I've really enjoyed it, for the most part. Nothing gets me through the bad times like the good times. And the weather.

I mean, have we ever seen a June like this? Of constant rain showers and thunder storms? Has Salt Lake ever been so blessed? Mormons drive me crazy sometimes. We're always praying for more moisture, and the minute the Lord complies with his obedient saints, all this talk goes up about how tired we are of rain. It amazes me that a desert people such as we could ever take something like it for granted.

Rain, to me, is a healing element. Nothing seems to make me feel quite as awestruck as a rain storm. My patio is the perfect place to witness these. I don't often put down what I'm doing for the sake of a moment, but on the off chance I do, it's probably for rain. Because rain fixes things. It cleanses. It washes the streets, makes everything green, takes away the pollution. And it clears the mind. Inhale that whiff of wet earth and try not to feel better.

Rain helps you embrace things. It helps you to let go. It mends. It excites. It often provokes the urge to dance. To say the very least, it's like magic.

It's a beautiful thing my friends, a very beautiful thing. Don't take it for granted.

Misery Loves Company

So I have this problem. I like people.

As in, I thrive on other people's happiness. Sounds morbid, right? It's not. I've just found that it's hard for me to be happy when someone I love is less than the same. I can't stand it. Worse than this, however, is when I am the direct cause of their unhappiness. When it's my fault. And right now, it's definitely my fault.

At least, I feel like it is. Maybe there's more. There probably is. But whatever the circumstance, I know that I was of no help to it. And I am wrought with guilt. Why was I so careless? Seeing my friend so miserable created a deep set misery inside myself, and I can't seem to pull out of it. I don't want to be in this place, but it's so hard not to be.

I'm also frustrated because we're not really friends anymore. I try daily to mend things, and he ends up insulting me in some enormous way that makes me vow to really try and not be friends with him anymore. But then a half hour passes, my feelings are not as hurt as they were, and I find myself trying to justify the words that were said to me.

I guess I'm looking for some advice. I'm willing to be persistent, but I don't know if I should. One the one hand, it hurts a lot. On the other, a friendship is something worth a little hardship, isn't it? You tell me.

Validation

Stop what you're doing. Put down everything. Whatever it is, whatever you need to do can wait. Because you need to watch this. Don't look at how long it is, don't say you don't have time. You do have time. Watch it.

Tyson Ritter, why are you so Angsty?

If you are looking to extend your weekend, try sitting and doing nothing. It makes the time crawl.

I am trying to take my test on Excel for my computer class. My Mac won't let me.

I need to stop bailing on my friends. Commit, Abby! Commit!

It's a beautiful day.

Post-Haitus Thoughts

Where to begin?

I've been itching to get on my blog for a month, being unable to on account of problems with Gmail, and now that I find the liberty to do so, I find my mind, once swimming with things to put here in this little box, is now utterly blank. No, not blank. Overwhelmed. But I will do the best I can.

It's been a time of internal growth. I'm surprised it's taken me this long to find my feet in the matter, but I am finally striving to place myself in a world where who I am is who I appear to be. And I think I am doing a fine job.

Among other things:
- My work caught on fire. There was a coil that overheated in the air ducts, and we had to shut down production for a week. During this time, the vault employees worked downtown. They really didn't need us there, so I ended up doing silly things like putting stickers on boxes. Please. Who gets payed $11.21 to do that?
- After the week downtown, we had to work extra hard to meet our Quarterly demand, and three weeks to do it. I put in 27 hours of overtime to help get there, and by the very last day, we were there. Talk about exhaustion, but it was a gratifying experience.
- There's been a lot of hearbreak in these last two months.
- School is drawing to a close. I now know how to solve an Algebraic Sequence. Don't be impressed, it's not hard.
- Stephanie finally got married. A day of bliss, bitter cold, and the inevitable exhaustion that comes from so much joy and work in one little day.

This isn't all. But it's all I have time for. I think one day I'll have more time again. But that day is not today. Developments on life will continue, when they happen.