Blinded Thoughts

Have you ever made a rash decision, then taken it back? And then, in the light of both those decisions, changed your mind again? And then, in the midst of those consequences, have you ever come to realize that you're a pretty bad person? I have. I don't really want to explain it at all, really. I really hope no one reads this at all. Because I can't say what I want to. So don't ask.

My theme song as of late: I'm a Terrible Person, by Rooney.

A Brief Update

To those of you who have been seeking new blog insights from myself, here they are:

I love Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for everything.
School is practically over.
I love my work.
It's impossible to go even an hour without saying the word "what."
Still making mistakes.
Not really learning from them.
Wish I was.

There you go.

Simplicity, for Once

One day, when I am retired, old, graying, and crippled, I will update this blog frequently with the exciting things I do with my life, but as it happens, I am none of those, and much, much too busy to ever write about anything, let alone exciting things. And for this I am sad, because truly, who is too busy to write blogs? Me, I guess. I've been splitting my life six ways lately: Work, school, church, family, friends, and sleep. It's actually been working out pretty nicely except for one thing: There is no seventh way split for myself. Selfish? No, I just wish there was some way I could fit a little me time into this dangerously balanced, on-the-verge-of-pandemonium lifestyle.

Today I drove up the canyon. And I almost died in the process. I realized two things during this near death experience. One: That I hate snow. Snow and me, we're over. There are no second chances with something that tries to kill you. And Two: I love my car. Stella is sturdy and efficient. She kind of saved my life. She's kind of cool like that.

And really, apart from almost dying, moving to a new area at work, and a new month, nothing has changed for me. I've gotten a little better at routine, as long as my nights are varied, and the sunrises beautiful. And this is a life I can live with.

Denial?

Mom says what I want the most is what I can't have. She also says if I'm not with the boy I love, I love the boy I'm with. Yeah right. That's not true.

But.....what if it is?

Them

I'm a very rash person. I'm very rash, open, and not at all censored. So when I am all three of these things, bad things can happen sometimes. I wish sometimes I could outweigh the outcome of my actions before actually carrying them out. I didn't do that though, and I almost immediately regretted it. So much is at stake for me right now, and I just most of what I know on the line. I hate change, you know this. Change in general is an unnerving factor of life, because it usually comes when you least expect it. It was my fear of change that held me back, and now it's the fear of change that chains me to the reality I am so desperately clinging to. Why do I do dumb things? Oh, that's right. Because it's who I am.

But you have to understand, I don't mind being any of these things. Though the ramifications of my actions are sometimes destructive and just a little overwhelming, I love being who I am. And I love that other people don't seem to mind either. It makes life so much more comfortable for me. And that's what I am trying to remember as I struggle with these new consequences. I wouldn't want to be anybody else, right? Even though the friendships, opportunities, and hopes might be gone, I can't change who I am, and I wouldn't want to. Right? This I know for sure, and it's a comfort, even if it doesn't totally make the hurt go away.

Sometimes I wish I could just give my heart away as easily as I used to. But then again, that brought a lot more trouble than I could have ever asked for. Ah, living life through experience. I'm a very hands on kind of person. I learn through my mistakes, not others. Detrimental and somewhat obnoxious? Very much so. Worth it? Undoubtedly. That's why history is always repeating itself, isn't it? Were we actually there to learn from our ancestor's mistakes, I doubt the situation would ever reoccur again. But such is life. Shower, rinse, repeat.

I wish I could just say I'm sorry and make it enough. But I know that's just not how life works. Sorry isn't really what fixes problems. You have to earn back the life you changed. It's so much harder his way, but I don't think life ever really cared for the easy way out. But that's what builds character, right? That's what they say. "Who are they?" You know, the inimitable, collective them. One day, I'll be one of Them. Then I'll make the rules, say those things that when they are said, people will ask "Who are they?" And the respondent will raise his or her eyebrows and say, "You know. Them." I will be Them. And then, my life will be exactly what I make it, not just what it should be. Just wait. You'll see.

Discretion

So apparently I disclose way to much in my blogs. Time to be discreet!

Life is good. And sad. And busy. And happy. And at times overwhelming.

There's my life. Discreet and in a nut shell.

At Peace, With Every Piece

I was wrong to doubt.

Out of all the books of the Twilight Saga, this book, Breaking Dawn, by far exceeded anything I could have hoped for in my expectations of the ending. The perfect ending. Some might argue that it was too perfect. But not me. Stephenie Meyer created her masterpiece. She tied all the knots, she fixed the things she broke, and in the end, it was the happily ever after we'd all been wanting since Book One. Of course, that doesn't mean it came in the forms we thought it would.

I loved this book.

But then, my take on this book might be a little different than the average Twilight reader. Because secretly, and quite surprisingly, I found at the end of Eclipse that I had fallen in love with everyone's favorite Werewolf. Edward and Bella were a technicality; I knew they would be together in the end, because it's what everyone wanted, and Stephenie Meyer would have been a fool to starve them of that desire. But Jacob was my main priority; Seeing him satisfied was my only goal. And I got that, I got even more. It was like a puzzle I was hoping would be pieced together, and when it finally was, I found that not only were the pieces a perfect match, but that I loved the image they displayed. That was more than I could have hoped for. So bless Stephenie Meyer for granting me the wishes I didn't even consciously wish for.

But I did love Bella and Edward. I've always admired the way their love was portrayed. It's what started this story in the first place. The only difference is that it expanded, grew as it developed, until it wasn't just one story, it was several intertwined together to make what is Breaking Dawn. And I loved them all.