A Liminal Message

I'm really bad at subliminal messages. Actually, I'm really good at them, but sometimes there is no sub involved. It's merely a liminal message you wish you could say conspicuously. There's no such thing, in this case. Really, all I can say is, Life is unfair, I hate this, and I don't know how to cope with the ache. I'm really bad at coping. This concerns none of any who might read this but one, and you already know who you are. I miss you too.

Clouds.....Clouds are Nice

So I started a blog, then got writer's block. Some things are better left unsaid, I guess.

Today was a crazy day. It started out with my co-workers harassing me incessantly, and ended in merry laughter and witty banter. Good day. Good talk.

Among other things:
- I bought Bones, Seasons 1-3. Nothing better, I tell you. Absolutely nothing.
- I'm finally taking care of classes. Ah SLCC, what can you offer me other than bowling?
- The sunset was amazing tonight. Sometimes clouds have silver linings. Sometimes they're pink and purple and gold.
- My mom needs the computer.
- I miss my friends. I was listening to Danny's tape this morning, and the loneliness almost killed me.
- Amanda needs the computer.
- All my girl friends are either at college, married, engaged, or pregnant. 'Nuff said.
- It's been a good day.

Your lives are good. My life is good. Our lives are good, despite what we all think. Stop a moment. The roses smell nice.

Obama, The Fat Captain, and Myself

Okay, so I'm writing this blog for all those people who have been asking for an update from me. Here's the problem, you people: I have nothing to say. And that's actually kind of a lie, but where do I start filling you in on life as I know it? There are too many beginnings.

School is starting up again next week. I'm going to plug through as best I can through my generals (while still working full time at The Vault), and see how far I get. This semester entails: Math 1050 (To war!), some computer class (I've gotten by so far with my limited knowledge, I see no reason to take this class), and bowling! Yeah. Bowling. And it counts. But school? School is not a big part of my life right now. If I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and were taking affirmative action, I would be so excited! If I were attending a University, or I were back up at Utah State with my very missed roommates, and taking classes I was actually interested in taking, I would dawn the fully gung-ho attitude everyone should have about school. To all those students who have recently moved and aren't sure how they feel about the change yet, I have this to say to you: You have no idea how lucky you are.

Life as of late hasn't changed much for me, I don't think it's found much reason too. But all that's going to change with the year. 2008 was a year for pace. 2009 is a year for change. And I'm not just saying that because Obama is getting inaugurated. This year I'm going to be making some big decisions, life changing decisions, and while this is somewhat unnerving, I'm ready. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to make some leaps. Yes. I'm ready. It's time to leave hibernation mode, and to stretch myself a little bit. And I'm excited! I've let myself sink into a somewhat repetitive, sluggish state where I sit in my routine and daydream about how one day, things will be different, and I'll enjoy my life again. I realize now that that kind of change only comes with a change of heart and mind. I think I knew that all along, I just wanted to mope. I'm kicking myself for that now.

Change is coming. The good, the bad, the necessary. And, as a wise, fat captain once said:

"I don't want to survive. I want to live!"

Blinded Thoughts

Have you ever made a rash decision, then taken it back? And then, in the light of both those decisions, changed your mind again? And then, in the midst of those consequences, have you ever come to realize that you're a pretty bad person? I have. I don't really want to explain it at all, really. I really hope no one reads this at all. Because I can't say what I want to. So don't ask.

My theme song as of late: I'm a Terrible Person, by Rooney.

A Brief Update

To those of you who have been seeking new blog insights from myself, here they are:

I love Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for everything.
School is practically over.
I love my work.
It's impossible to go even an hour without saying the word "what."
Still making mistakes.
Not really learning from them.
Wish I was.

There you go.

Simplicity, for Once

One day, when I am retired, old, graying, and crippled, I will update this blog frequently with the exciting things I do with my life, but as it happens, I am none of those, and much, much too busy to ever write about anything, let alone exciting things. And for this I am sad, because truly, who is too busy to write blogs? Me, I guess. I've been splitting my life six ways lately: Work, school, church, family, friends, and sleep. It's actually been working out pretty nicely except for one thing: There is no seventh way split for myself. Selfish? No, I just wish there was some way I could fit a little me time into this dangerously balanced, on-the-verge-of-pandemonium lifestyle.

Today I drove up the canyon. And I almost died in the process. I realized two things during this near death experience. One: That I hate snow. Snow and me, we're over. There are no second chances with something that tries to kill you. And Two: I love my car. Stella is sturdy and efficient. She kind of saved my life. She's kind of cool like that.

And really, apart from almost dying, moving to a new area at work, and a new month, nothing has changed for me. I've gotten a little better at routine, as long as my nights are varied, and the sunrises beautiful. And this is a life I can live with.

Denial?

Mom says what I want the most is what I can't have. She also says if I'm not with the boy I love, I love the boy I'm with. Yeah right. That's not true.

But.....what if it is?